SOME BACKWARDS-ASS STATE – Adult industry quasi-journalist Ben Suroeste announced just now that he’s finding himself “befuddled, flummoxed, frustrated and deflated” by the impact of state-level age verification laws on his professional life.

“Seriously, how can I even quality-check the links in my posts when every fucking time I click through to a fucking porn site, there’s a fucking age verification step requiring me to submit my ID to a different fucking third-party company about which I know fucking nothing,” Suroeste ranted incoherently towards nobody in particular, adding: “fucking fuck, seriously, fuck this fucking shit.”

As an example of what is driving him “utterly, completely, irretrievably insane,” Suroeste offered a press release he’d received assuring readers they could “preview the scene here” along with a link to a page with a video trailer on it. When he clicked that link, however, Suroeste found himself confronted with a dialog box explaining that visitors from Alabama are required to verify their age.

“I’M NOT IN ALABAMA YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCKER!” Suroeste raged, while a nearby dog, suddenly concerned about his occasional leash-holder’s mental health, retreated to the bedroom clutching a spiky, squeaky, multicolored ball in his mouth.

“Seriously, what am I supposed to do here,” Suroeste sighed, rubbing his temples and slowly tapping his right foot on the floor, calming down as he remembered his own state, like Alabama, has imposed such a law. “Am I supposed to just post this article with the link included, relying on faith that it resolves correctly for people who live in states where the governments still treat adults like adults? Fucking hell.”

Next up was a press release announcing a collaboration between two adult studios, two modeling agencies, an adult-friendly crypto firm and some guy whose name is a mix of numbers and characters from the Wingdings font.

“For fuck’s sake, the agency and crypto firm links resolve, but not the studio links or the links to… however the fuck that is pronounced,” Suroeste said, his arms aloft and palms facing skyward, as though he was beseeching some benevolent deity to answer his prayers and return the adult internet to the way it used to be.

“We’re protecting kids from porn, but if their parents want to invest those same kids’ college funds into a meme coin, they can go ahead and knock themselves out, I guess,” Suroeste grunted.

Suroeste was then granted a brief reprieve by a press release from an adult pleasure products manufacturer who had just announced the release of a device designed to penetrate the vagina, anus and mouth simultaneously, while allowing a remote partner to adjust the vibration speed of the device and place wagers on sporting events at the same time. Thankfully, the subpage of the manufacturer’s website was not behind an age verification barrier, so Suroeste was able to confirm a full-size image of the contraption, along with a florid description of its many features, benefits and potential health hazards would be immediately available to his readers.

Immediately thereafter, however, Suroeste was prevented from viewing the main page of a new platform for adult content creators that promises “stability, empowerment, community, support, lifelong friendship, sustainable profits, free donuts and low-cost DMCA takedown services.”

“I. Can’t. Take. Any. More,” Suroeste said in an aggravated staccato, walking to the kitchen and pouring a couple fluid ounces of what he believed to be half-and-half, but which was in fact cucumber ranch dressing, into his half-full coffee cup.

At press time, Suroeste was last seen clutching a throw pillow while balled up in the fetal position, muttering something about the “goddam fucking stupid so-called ‘Supreme’ fucking Court.”

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels