LOS ANGELES – For years now, I’ve been searching for a truly compelling anti-pornography argument, something that will at last persuade me porn is as evil and morally ruinous as many of its harshest critics say.

Along the way, I’ve tried reading scientific papers concerning the alleged phenomenon of “porn-induced erectile dysfunction,” various self-reported behavioral surveys and multiple correlational data analyses suggesting porn has a detrimental effect on viewers’ self-esteem and/or their perception of the opposite sex.

For a variety of reasons, I have found all the above to be unpersuasive. Often, I’m unconvinced because of the methodology used; at other times, it’s the messenger I don’t trust.

Finally, though, I’ve found an argument so logically overwhelming, so firm in its foundation, its veracity simply cannot be denied.

What is this new anti-porn reasoning, you ask? It’s as simple as it is profound: Satan loves porn.

While you might not find the bare assertion itself enough to sway your view, once you consider the five (count ‘em: 5!) reasons why Satan loves porn, I’m sure you’ll be just as convinced as I am.

“First, Satan loves pornography because he hates freedom,” explained Tom Hoopes of Aleteia.org.

If you think about it, this first claim about Satan’s love for porn is entirely consistent with what we already know about Lucifer.

After all, as has been well-established by other trustworthy sources, Satan is Saddam Hussein’s boyfriend, and as an avowed terrorist, there’s no question Saddam is one of those who “hate our freedoms.” By extension, then, we can definitively conclude Saddam hates freedom itself. Considering the length and resilience of their relationship, we can safely assume Saddam’s hatred of freedom is a shared interest — sort of like a mutual enjoyment of stamp collecting, but instead of stamps, they collect immortal souls.

But even if Satan hates freedom, how does it follow that he loves porn?

“Dabbling with pornography is like opening the window of a pressurized airplane at a high altitude,” Hoopes explained. “It pulls you in and spits you out.”

While this might sound more like a reason for Satan to love spontaneous, unplanned skydiving than pornography, I think we can all see the clear analogy between getting sucked out of an airplane and getting sucked into pornography: Both lead to a short series of thrilling sensations, followed by a crushing, gravity-hastened death.

This brings us to the second reason Beelzebub digs the porno: “It is the ultimate structure of sin.”

“Using pornography churns a vortex of sin that Satan uses to drag whole groups of people — performers, programmers, sellers, and unsuspecting bystanders — down to his lair,” Hoopes observed.

This makes sense to me, too. I mean, what are open windows in a pressurized airplane at high altitude if not sinful vortexes through which porn stars, producers and programmers are dragged into Hellish, subterranean lairs?

The third reason Satan loves porn, naturally, is he “loves disfiguring the image of God.”

Honestly, I’m not sure I follow Hoopes’ explanation for this claim, so I’m just going to cast it in terms of my own analogy and hope I get the gist of his reasoning right.

When you watch porn, it’s just like you’re spray-painting a mustache on Michelangelo’s vision of God, as rendered in “The Creation of Adam” on the Sistine Chapel ceiling — something which would be not just sinful, but illegal and a total dick move from a historical perspective. (If I had to guess, the most Satanic sort of mustache we could draw up there would be either Salvador Dali’s or Frank Zappa’s.)

Anyway, returning to these quite convincing reasons Belial is an eternal wanker of the highest (or perhaps lowest) order, “demons love to make human beings look like animals.”

How do I know this claim of Hoopes’ is on solid ground? All you need to do is consider his impeccable, unimpeachable sources.

“An exorcist described to me how victims of possession will often imitate animals,” Hoopes related, “grunting or arching their backs.”

Clearly, if there’s any group we can trust to provide reliable information, it’s one that tends to think of The Amityville Horror as a documentary.

Still not convinced? Well, you know what they say: WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

“The devil loves to destroy the innocence of children,” Hoopes observed.

Look, we all know certain members of Hoopes’ beloved Catholic Church have given the old demonic bastard a real run for his money in this area. But to be fair, clearly those not-so-pious priests only committed their terrible sins at the behest of Satan, presumably because they hadn’t been rescued by one of the exorcists who informed Hoopes’ tireless research into Satan’s love for porn.

I’m sure by now you’re just as certain as I am that a) Satan loves porn, and b) by watching porn, we’re merely aiding and abetting The Adversary in his mission to disfigure God and claim as many souls as possible.

Just in case you’re still on the fence, though, Hoopes offered a final observation that should seventh-seal the deal: “Demons are like predatory insects.”

If I understand this correctly, it means the unidentified exorcist Hoopes has been speaking with is none other than The Orkin Man.

The good news is, now we know who to call if our daughter’s head starts spinning on her neck while she’s projectile vomiting on a priest (following an evening of her sinful porn-viewing, no doubt).

The bad news is, I’m not sure Orkin Brand Satan Spray is pet-safe.