SYDNEY, Australia – I’ve seen a lot of commercials for sea cruises over the years, usually featuring happy, smiling couples dancing to unheard music on the deck of some massive vessel with a name like the Caribbean Duchess, or the Carnival Barker or the Floating Cesspool of Legionnaire’s Disease.
Despite their promise of taking passengers to out-of-the way paradises like Bermuda, the thought of taking a sea cruise has never appealed to me. Maybe it’s the idea of being stuck on floating skyscraper filled with camera-toting tourists, or maybe it’s the occasional outbreak of Norovirus. Whatever it is, I’ve always felt having my eyelids scoured with P24 sandpaper sounds like a better time than some two-week cruise surrounded by people in garish, floral-print shirts who might start puking over the side of the ship at any given moment.
All that changed, however, when I read about a new cruise that runs all the way from New York City to Australia, taking a little detour to Tahiti along the way. It’s not the destinations or the posh cruise ship itself that appeal to me, however. It’s the thoroughly unexpected amenities, which include cute young Canadian porn stars toting suitcases full of cocaine.
Now, that’s what I call on-board entertainment!
All you sun-worshipping tourists riding the Carnival cruise line can keep the jazz bands, all-you-can eat buffets and upper-deck shuffleboard courts. I’m going to cut me some lines and snort them off the taut, well-tanned butt cheeks of some lovely young Québécoise until the dinner bell rings.
At first, I was skeptical about this coke and cooze cruise, mostly because many times in the past I’ve been invited to attend parties that sounded great on paper but turned out to be duds once I got there. But then I read the girls pack upwards of 95 kilos of snow for this voyage, which means there’s got to be plenty for everyone. Plus, if the supply ever does run out during the course of the trip, I gotta believe any girl capable of getting her hands on 95 kilos of coke in Canada could easily round up a few emergency ounces anywhere else on the planet, should the need arise.
The name of the coke cruise ship, by the way is the “MS Sea Princess,” which probably should have been a clue to law enforcement that not all was kosher with this thing. It’s clearly an extension of the Mara Salvatrucha brand — and if there’s one thing we know about MS-13, those fellas do love a good smuggling scheme.
It’s not entirely clear to me how a criminal organization with roots in El Salvador managed to open up a cruise line without law enforcement catching on, or how they came to be associated with a former Canadian porn performer, but I’m not about to look this floating gift horse in its numb-lipped mouth. I’m just going to count my blessings, pack a few extra straws and get my ass to New York for the next departure of this here Bolivian Love Boat.
Thinking ahead, I’m also going to look into the costs and investment risks associated with running my own drug-and-porn-fueled cruise operation, because there currently appears to be no real competition for MS-13 in this potentially lucrative market.
Picture, for example, a marijuana and MILF-themed cruise that runs from Juneau, Alaska, down to Mazatlan, Mexico. Upon departure, you’d be handed a satchel full of Matanuska Thunderfuck and introduced to your cabin-mate, Veronica Avluv. Upon arrival in Mexico, your supply would be refreshed with a massive jar of Oaxaca Gold, handed to you by your new beach buddy, Shy Love.
This concept has so many permutations and possibilities, the hardest part is going to be deciding what substances to pair with which niches and sex acts. Should the Hawaiian cruise be a heroin-and-handjobs affair, for example, or would Asians and amyl nitrate be more appropriate?
No matter how you slice it, sex-and-substance cruise lines present the adult entertainment industry with an exciting new opportunity. That’s right: Our ship has literally come in and it’s loaded with more than just cocaine and Canadian cuties. It’s also well-stocked with opportunity, possibilities and, yes, most likely just a touch of Norovirus, too.
