BUENOS AIRES – How often has this happened to you: You want to watch some porn without spending any money, but you’ve forgotten the URLs of every major free porn site, as well as how to use a search engine.
For the millions (perhaps billions) of porn fans to whom this series of events happens literally every morning, there is great news: The arrival of Porn Time, the smutty cousin of Popcorn Time, which as you know won the Motion Picture Association of America Takedown Award for Best App of 2014.
“Porn Time works exactly the same as Popcorn Time does, only the content is all porn,” a lead developer identified only as “Richard” told VentureBeat. “Porn Time users can enjoy the latest, hottest, porn movies instantly and in HD quality with just a click of a button. Just like with Popcorn Time, the content can be cast directly to the big screen with Chromecast or Airplay.”
While the miniscule percentage of high-volume porn users who still have not completely obliterated their short-term memories through excessive gonzo viewing and/or constant marijuana use might still opt for visiting adult tube sites, legendary tube user FapmanFrëd44 told YNOT he’s “all about Porn Time now.”
“This thing is awesome,” FapmanFrëd44 said. “It not only delivers high-quality, illicitly obtained porn for free, it also caters to my most fervent desire to not have to think or do anything, ever. Sure, it would be even better if the app would automatically turn on my laptop and switch the TV to the appropriate auxiliary input for me after self-launching in response to my alarm clock going off at noon, but hopefully that functionality will be added in subsequent versions.”
Not everyone is as pleased about the release of Porn Time though, including the beleaguered and litigious head of Flawless 7 Studios, Herm Daza.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Daza said. “If it’s not one fucking thing, it’s another. From the fucking fucks at fucking Google to the evil fucking IPSPs, those fucking Swedish pricks behind TheBuccaneerCove, now this Argentinian torrent player bullshit. I’d absolutely love to sue their fucking asses — except we all know I’d lose and set industry-crippling precedent in the process.”
Adult industry attorney, molecular biologist, composer, author, model train enthusiast and noticeably short person Francis Edgar Mostaccioli, Esq. said he believes Porn Time is “troublesome, problematic, perilous, unscrupulous and several other undesirable and multisyllabic things.”
“To the uninitiated operator of technologies which permit exploration of the vast interconnected network of virtual locations comprising the global internet, a video display interface explicitly dedicated to perusal of materials subject to copyright, but which were not in fact displayed with the permission of the relevant rights-holder, or rights-holders, is…uh…. Sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought,” Mostaccioli said. “This happens a lot when you’re brilliant as I am and constantly thinking several levels above the zenith of contemplation available to mere laymen. Please be sure to attend the legal panel at the upcoming XXXWWWorld Conference, Aug. 7-9 at the Lancaster Event Center in Lincoln, Neb.”
Carter Cost, vice president of opperations for BrainGunk, proprietors of many of the world’s most popular adult tube sites, said he’s skeptical about the threat Porn Time poses to his company’s dominant market share.
“When it comes to turning a blind eye to profligate copyright violation as the foundation for a long-term business model, BrainGunk has a major head start on the competition,” Cost said. “We’ve been a passive conduit to blatant criminality for so long, I think our brands are permanently etched in the brains of users, advertisers, uploaders and even the most forgetful of chronic masturbators the world over.”
Adult industry marketing and advertising consultant TrafficFloozy said she believes porn consumers will use both the tube sites and Porn Time, “along with every other high-quality, synergistic, innovative and revolutionary site for which I broker traffic.”
“Just like advertisers are looking for synergies and complementary product offerings, paradigm shifters and innovative, scalable properties, so too are consumers always seeking out new sources for engagement, interactivity and community,” said TrafficFloozy. “Did I mention the sites I broker traffic from are synergistic and innovative and offer highly qualified, meticulously targeted traffic populated by proven purchasers and motivated ‘sneezers?’ Because they are, and they do.”
Whatever the appeal to advertisers, whatever threat it may or may not present to the BrainGunks of the world, FapmanFrëd44 said Porn Time is already “spreading like wildfire among members of the freeloader community.”
“All six of my closest online friends are already avid users, and we’re fully determined to help get out the word about this important new app,” FapmanFrëd44 said. “If only I could remember which button sends an email, or how to use vBulletin-based forum sites to post messages, I could totally…um…. What were we talking about just now?”
