MONTREAL – I have something important to say about this new trend of people searching for “fidget spinner porn”: Get off my lawn.

For old-timers like me, the word “spinner” already has a well-established meaning in the context of porn. Spinners are petite women, not the lamest excuse for a yo-yo substitute since the advent of the hacky sack.

I don’t care what any millennial (or soulless marketing schmuck who caters to millennials) says. There is no way I’m surrendering my beloved spinner term to this twirling mess of a consumer fad.

Even if some enterprising fellow teaches himself how to balance a fidget spinner on the tip of his cock and shares videos of himself doing so, I will refuse to recognize this feat as any kind of “spinner porn.” Instead, I will insist on being entirely clinical, referring to such genital tomfoolery only as a “Torqbar dick-trick.”

Frankly, I’m tired of these younger generations and their porn-culture appropriation.

The fact people now append the word porn to just about every other noun in the dictionary to create highly irritating new terms (realty porn, poverty porn, food porn, astronomy porn, garage door opener porn, etc.) is bad enough. It’s high time we porn OGs put our collective foot down to defend our lustful lexicon from these indecent interlopers.

I’ll admit, a big part of my frustration is the result of ignorance and misunderstanding on my part. Being entirely out of touch, I had no idea what a “fidget spinner” was until this morning. So, when I saw headlines about “fidget spinner porn,” what I expected to find was something about porn videos featuring petite and exceedingly nervous and/or agitated women having sex.

Offhand, I thought to myself, the most likely explanation for their noticeable fidgeting was inexperience on the part of these performers, or perhaps the pre-shoot ingestion of handfuls of speed.

The problem goes well beyond my momentary confusion and carnal cognitive dissonance, though. I’m concerned the younger generation of porn fans is losing respect for language altogether.

In the old days, porn words meant something — and it was something important and lasting.

When we called women “mature” or “MILF,” we meant age 40-plus at minimum, not just random 20-somethings who could no longer be marketed plausibly as “teens.”

Oh sure, the old days of porn were filled with bullshit like Latina performers inappropriately shoehorned into Asian porn titles, but this was less a function of deception than a staffing and human resources problem. As Asian porn surged in popularity, along with porn consumers’ expectation for a constant flow of new and different talent, porn studios found themselves at a loss to keep up when relying on legitimately Asian talent alone. Thus, the “Hispasian” casting approach was born.

While this niche-fudging was understandable on the part of porn directors and marketers of the day, it established a truly terrible precedent, the damage of which is only now becoming clear to me.

In the wake of widespread Hispasian casting, soon the death of meaning metastasized into a full porn-misnomer pandemic. Before you knew it, the blurring of niche-lines spread like wildfire, thanks in large part to the undermining of meaning of key porn-niche terms. Soon, any chick with dyed-black hair was a “Goth” — and probably an “Emo,” too, depending on which site featured her.

If we’re ever to reverse the trend and repair the damage done to the language of porn, it must start today, right now, with an industry-wide revolt against so-called “fidget spinner porn.”

Pornographers of America and the rest of the English-speaking porn world, I beseech thee: Raise your bong-scarred voices as one and cast off this vile, imprecise, disrespectful assault on our established sex-slang norms!

Either that, or make for us old-timers a few videos of Dani Jensen getting plowed from behind right after she finishes hammering down seven shots of espresso, just to balance out this libidinous linguistic injustice a little bit.