LONDON – Attorneys for the porn-style mustache are declaring victory this week without even having gone to court. The declared victory comes in a conflict over controversial former UKIP leader Nigel Farage briefly adopting the distinctive facial hair style as part of his look.
The mustache style threatened legal action against several British media outlets in mid-August, with its legal team claiming associating their client’s “classic, trademark look with an established ignoramus such as Nigel Farage is defamation per se.”
While attorney Alania Allredshowitz said the threat of legal action against the media outlets remains in place, the fact Farage shaved so soon after his firm issued the cease and desist letter “is indicative of the fact people know we’re dead serious” about defending their client’s reputation.
“Anyone who thinks our intent to zealously defend the reputation and legacy of the porn mustache is a joke just doesn’t know the history of Allredshowitz, Cochranbailey & Douglascheck,” Allredshowitz said. “We absolutely meant what we said. We will bring the full force of our entire firm down on any media outlet, commentator or private individual who continues to publicly disparage our client by comparing it to anything Mr. Farage grows on his face.”
While Farage seems to have abandoned the mustache style for now, during the same media appearance in which he first appeared clean-shaven following criticism of his facial hair, the politician hinted he may grow it anew in a matter of weeks.
“I grew it for a few days…. it made me feel older,” said Farage, who apparently doesn’t normally feel old enough walking around as a mere 52-year-old. “I will be growing a proper mustache. It will return for Movember.”
Some commentators see a clever public relations move in the timetable for the return of Farage’s mustache.
“This is a brilliant maneuver by Farage, totally outflanking the loony left by associating the regrowth of his facial hair with a charity event,” said Bruce O’Reary, host of the O’Reary Element on the Dingo News Network. “If you do something for a good cause, nobody dares to criticize you for anything you do in the process. That’s why these days I only sexually harass women while running next to them in drag during Race for Life events.”
Allredshowitz said if Farage does indeed take Movember as an opportunity to grow a new mustache, “he’d best be careful in how he describes and depicts it.”
“For the time being, our lawsuit threat is aimed squarely at British media outlets and a few ‘John Doe’ troll-defendants who have taken to the internet to falsely associate our client with Mr. Farage,” Allredshowitz said. “But if Farage himself begins to describe that atrocity on his upper lip as a ‘porn mustache,’ then we have no problem amending the complaint to name him as a co-defendant, as well.”
Bulstrode Gosnold, an English barrister well-known for having a right eye which is noticeably larger than the left, said he thinks the entire controversy is “nothing but a bunch of bow-wow mutton.”
“To come to collie shangles over something as petty as the term the British media uses to describe the facial hair of some daft gigglemug of a politician leaves me absolutely poked-up to call myself a barrister,” Gosnold said. “The fact this Allredshowitz bloke thinks he’s going to take the egg in such a case is enough to make a stuffed bird laugh. I’d say he needs to clamp shut his saucebox quickly, before he really starts to take a batty-fang in the press.”
Asked to respond to Gosnold’s criticisms, Allredshowitz said he “would be happy to respond in detail and could easily refute the critique, point by point,” but is constrained from doing so for practical reasons.
“First and foremost, as a general rule, I never publicly discuss my legal strategy for any ongoing or potential case,” Allredshowitz said. “Plus, even if I were willing to make an exception in this case, I’m afraid the language barrier would be insurmountable. Unfortunately, I don’t speak gibberish.”
Farage’s shaved-off former mustache hair declined to comment for this article.
