LOS ANGELES – EwePronz, the web’s 137th most popular destination for unlimited, high-quality, free, high-definition porn, is joining in on the immense excitement of National Book Month, ranking fans’ 20 most popular female characters from the world of literature.
To come up with its rankings, the EwePronz staff analyzed search data from the site’s enormous collection of literary porn parodies, which have become an enormously popular genre, according to Burt Burnt, EwePronz’s vice president of press release quotes.
“Most dudes who use our site are total pervs at heart,” Burnt said, “so they just can’t help sexually fantasizing about every woman they think of, even if she’s someone who has never existed and never will exist.”
The EwePronz analysis revealed three sexy characters stand out above the rest when it comes to the EwePronz viewership: Hester Prynne (The Scarlett Letter), Miss Adela Quested (A Passage to India) and Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice).
Burnt said while Prynne and Quested struck him as “obvious choices,” he was a bit hard-pressed to explain the popularity of Bennet, other than to assign the choice to what he called “the IMDB effect.”
“In the latest film reboot of the book, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, not only is Bennet played by Lily James, but if you click through the pictures from the movie, the entire female portion of the cast looks like they grew up as neighbors in Babe City,” Burnt said. “Seriously, I’d do any of them in a heartbeat, especially Ellie Bamber. Before that, back in 2005, Bennet was depicted by Keira Knightley, and I’m sure that didn’t hurt her performance in the polls, either.”
Burnt said while it’s unfortunate the individual actresses who have depicted certain characters might have skewed the results of the EwePronz analysis, the data also suggests being depicted by a beautiful actress wasn’t enough to propel a character to the top of the charts all by itself.
“Keira Knightley also appeared in Atonement, but our viewers don’t appear to give two shits about Cecilia Tallis,” Burnt observed. “It’s hard to say whether that’s because there’s less familiarity with Atonement among our visitors than there is with Pride and Prejudice, or if it’s because, as a book, Atonement was simply an unreadable piece of shit.”
There also doesn’t appear to be much of a connection between the perceived greatness of the written works in question and the attractiveness of their central female characters. For example, the titular character from Anna Karenina ranked well outside the EwePronz Top 20, while Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games series came in at No. 6 on the list.
Results like the massive gap between Karenina and Everdeen have some literary porn critics up in arms over the EwePronz rankings.
“For Brett Ashley from The Sun Also Rises to rank lower than a pair of classless tramps like Christie and Elizabeth from American Psycho — two minor characters who are literally used and thrown away — is an absolute outrage,” said porn literature critic Southrop Boil, author of the book Physiognomy of Criticism. “I don’t care who played them in the movie. The actresses’ makeup-enhanced appearances cannot be permitted to outweigh Hemingway’s definitive description of Brett as a ‘damned good-looking’ woman.”
Burnt said he understands Boil’s point, but the rankings simply reflect “changing times and changing tastes.”
“Just like we’ve left Bullock printing and Gutenberg’s trusty old press in the past, so too have readers moved on from the standards of literary beauty that dominated the 19th and 20th centuries,” Burnt said. “So, just as a modern moviegoer doesn’t respond to Marilyn Monroe the same way viewers of the 1950s did, readers these days are much more apt to masturbate to Daenerys Targaryen than they are Jane Eyre.
“At EwePorn, we’re not here to tell people what they should masturbate to,” he added. “Our job is to figure out a way to make money off them masturbating to it.”
