By James “Battle Bot” Koppenfeeler
Special to YNOT

LAS VEGAS – Hey all you fuck-faces out there in porn-loser land, it’s me, Battle Bot, the former porn star, famous MMA warrior and all around badass motherfucker a lot of dweebs, losers and federal courts insist on calling by my given name, James Koppenfeeler.

You’ve probably read some articles lately about my bullshit trial, where I’m being railroaded by a bunch of lying bitches who keep telling people I’m violent, unhinged, dangerous and out of control — and because of some dumbass “rules of the court,” I’m not even allowed to stand up and punch them in the face for saying all that shit about me.

When the media writes about my case, they’re just looking for any reason to pile on with more criticism, and just like all the lying bitches I’ve dated or been prosecuted by, the media is always happy to make stuff up, too.

Like last week, all the headlines said something about me “blowing a kiss” to the prosecutor bitch right there in court, and that shit just ain’t true. I mean, c’mon: I’m sitting there accused of beating some lying whore against her will, accused of being “Mr. Soginist” (whoever that is) and I’m going to blow a kiss at the lawyer who has it in for me?

Let me set the record straight: I did not “blow a kiss” at the lying prosecutor chick. All I did was make the universal “blow me” signal, where you put your fist up to your mouth and jab your tongue into the inside of your cheek so it looks like a dick is pressed against it from the inside.

I guess even that is against the rules, though, because Judge Bitch told me to knock it off. Actually, what she told me was “Don’t go there,” which is the same thing a friend once told me about this one bar in San Diego — and looking back, I probably should have listened to him.

Anyway, the important thing to realize here is I’m totally innocent of the charges against me, not just because my ex-girlfriend is a lying bitch, but because she’s a porn star. We all know once you’ve been a porn star, you’re obligated to perform any sex act anybody has ever seen you or any other porn star perform on screen with any man who happens to be inside your condo, even if he had to break down your door to get in.

Plus, my other so-called “victim” is a fucking dude, and you don’t have to be some judge or lawyer to know there’s no crime when one dude beats the shit out of another dude. That shit is just straight-up survival of the fittest (or, in some cases, survival of the better-armed). If anything, I’m the victim of him, because unlike most of the other times I’ve beaten the shit out of some dude, I didn’t get paid nothin’ for this particular dude’s beat-down.

While we’re on the subject, all this getting prosecuted and convicted over and over and fucking over again is seriously impeding my MMA career. Sure, I still train a lot by jogging around the main yard, lifting weights and getting in fights with prison guards, but there’s really no substitute for actually fighting in a proper cage — mostly because jail bars are a lot harder than chain-link fence.

I know a lot of people think my downfall is my own fault, but that’s because they just don’t get me and how I roll. They don’t understand that when I hit a woman, it’s really just my way of saying how much I care about her and how much I want her to be a part of my life for the long term.

Look, at the end of the day, I’m a fucking cage fighter — and if a woman is going to be part of my life, she needs to have a firsthand understanding of exactly what that means. And since nothing creates understanding like life experience, it only stands to reason that by beating, kicking and choking the shit out of a woman, what I’m really doing is inviting her into my world. Walking a mile in my smelly gym shoes is the only way she can truly understand what makes me tick.

Likewise, when I laugh in court while my ex-girlfriend is testifying about the so-called “assault,” that’s just me trying to toughen her up and prepare her for the cold, uncaring world outside the blood-spattered walls of our forcibly shared home.

I know no matter what I say, there will always be haters out there who will continue to believe the lying bitches and all their so-called “physical evidence,” and others who will continue trying to make me look bad by accurately reporting things I’ve said and done in court.

I’m not talking the haters right now, though. I’m trying to reach out to all you reasonable, open-minded people who understand not every punch is thrown in anger, not every kick is to the gut and not every blood-drawing elbow that permanently disfigures someone was really intended to land above the throat.

For all those who have supported me during my ongoing persecution, I thank you more than I can possibly express — mostly due to the many concussions I have received over the years. While I haven’t actually received any supportive letters, phone calls or visits, I assume this is because the lying bitches have somehow convinced all the COs around here not to let through anything that might give me hope.

Finally, for all my MMA fans, please keep the faith, keep me in your prayers and keep posting online unbelievable nasty, threatening messages directed at anybody who chimes in with any kind of support of my alleged victims. God willing, soon enough I’ll once again be kicking, punching, elbowing, kneeing and choking on camera — and I don’t mean the surveillance cams that cover Block C.

James “Battle Bot” Koppenfeeler is a former MMA fighter, former porn performer and current resident of High Desert State Prison in Nevada.