LOS ANGELES, Calif. – It’s time for a visit from Old Saint Cuck over at OopsFamily.com with the arrival of “Merry Xmas and Happy Family Orgy,” brought to you by director Wrex Oliver and starring Penny Barber and Coco Lovelock.

As the release announcement sets the scene, we learn that Penny’s husband has a dearly held fantasy of “watching her tight, shaved pussy get stretched and pounded by another man’s thick cock right in front of him.” And what better time to indulge him in that fantasy than Christmas? And since Christmas is a time for family, naturally you’d want to include your step-kids in the mix as well, right? (Lighten up, man; that’s a purely rhetorical question and this is merely fantasy fauxcest, after all.)

 “To orchestrate this ultimate taboo holiday gift, Penny ropes in her naughty little stepdaughter Coco Lovelock and her hung stepson,” the scene description explains. “She squeezes her massive tits and juicy ass into a skimpy, lace-trimmed outfit that leaves nothing to the imagination, then saunters over to her husband as he’s arranging presents in his Santa suit. Her smoldering gaze tells him everything – this night is about to explode.”

Wait a minute… Christmas… explosions… is this a sneaky Die Hard porn parody about to unravel here?

“When Penny drops to her knees, locking lips with their stepson and wrapping her manicured fingers around his balls while stroking his enormous throbbing cock, her husband’s dick springs to attention.”

Hmm… Unless terrorists are about to barge in through the chimney and her husband’s name is John McClane, I think we can discard my Die Hard porn parody theory now.

“He grips his shaft, pumping furiously as he drinks in the sight of his wife’s soft, full lips teasing the young stud’s swollen head, saliva dripping down the length. The voyeuristic thrill has him leaking pre-cum, utterly lost in his taboo fantasy.”

If I remember correctly, “Utterly Lost in His Taboo Fantasy” was the original title of a hit song by Bad Company. Or maybe I should lay off the eggnog for a bit.

“But petite slut Coco can’t stay on the sidelines. Her fingers plunge deep into her juicy, hairy pussy, rubbing her clit frantically as she watches, her arousal soaking her thighs. Craving the spotlight, she crawls over, her small hand joining to stroke her stepdad’s aching cock while Penny’s slick, shaved cunt finally impales itself on that massive young dick.”

Wait, Penny’s cunt impales itself? I’m not sure that’s how cunts work – at least outside the Hentaied Universe. But please ignore my nookie-related nitpicking and carry on.

“Penny gasps and moans, her walls clenching around the girth as it bottoms out, but she rides harder for her cuckold’s pleasure. She mounts reverse cowgirl, her plump ass cheeks slapping loudly, tits heaving until her body convulses in a gushing, leg-shaking orgasm.”

This would be a very awkward time for the neighbors to pop by with a plate of Christmas cookies, wouldn’t it?

“Coco demands her turn. The older man buries his face in her fuzzy mound, tongue-fucking her dripping hole until she’s grinding against him. The stepson rams his cock down her throat, face-fucking her until mascara runs and spit trails from her chin. She explodes in a messy squirt, juices spraying everywhere. Still not satisfied, she begs for cock. The men take turns slamming her from behind in doggy, her tight pussy gripping each thrust as her ass ripples.”

I think what we have here is a misunderstanding of how the “White Elephant” Christmas game is supposed to work. In my understanding of the elephant game, there’s more gift swapping and less fluid swapping.

“The scene devolves into pure chaos – a filthy family orgy with both women spread wide in missionary, pussies pounded relentlessly, then bouncing wildly in cowgirl, their perfect, heavy tits jiggling and slapping with every brutal stroke.”

Nah, pure chaos would involve the family pets, too. All things considered, it’s probably best they stuck near-pure chaos.

“The night climaxes with the guys pulling out and hosing thick, ropey loads of hot cum across the women’s eager faces and open mouths, glazing them in sticky holiday bliss. This Christmas goes down as the dirtiest, most unforgettable ever.”

You can get a glimpse of this unforgettable family Christmas featuring Penny Barber, Coco Lovelock, Axel Haze and Jack Vegas now at OopsFamily.com.