LOS ANGELES – If you’re even slightly familiar with the ongoing saga of accused killer Robert Durst, then you know it’s one hell of a twisted tale, filled with years of deception, alleged confessions to friends (including alleged future victims) and quite possibly the dumbest hot-mic episode ever captured on audio.
I’m not going to get into the full, insane history of the case here (if you’re interested, the L.A. Times offers comprehensive coverage), but there’s a relatively new wrinkle I just can’t resist: The involvement of one “Chinga” Chavin, AKA Nick Chavin, the auteur behind such alt-country hits as “Dry Humping in the Back of a ’55 Ford,” “Asshole from El Paso” and the classic “Cum Stains On The Pillow (Where Your Sweet Head Used to Be),” all of which are to be found on his provocatively entitled LP, Country Porn.
As it turns out, Chavin is the witness whose identity had been kept secret initially, reportedly out of prosecutors’ concern for his safety. Evidently, the prosecutors couldn’t help noticing people who knew Durst and claim to have heard a confession from him have a tendency to show up dead later on.
When his identity was first revealed, which happened only after Chavin testified in February, media reports that mentioned his past at all pegged him as a former musician, without delving into the nature of his work. Whether this was done out of concern for Chavin’s perceived credibility or because the journalists involved weren’t hip to Chavin’s demented discography, I have no idea.
Either way, it’s clear Durst’s attorney, Dick DeGuerin, did know about the recordings and clearly hoped delving into Chavin’s songbook would undermine his credibility as a witness. (DeGuerin, by the way, is a story unto himself, if for no other reason than his client list, which in addition to Durst includes David Koresh, Ponzi-schemer Allen Stanford and former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay.)
In court, DeGuerin reportedly projected the cover of Country Porn onto a screen and had Chavin read the song titles aloud.
“The courtroom was laughing,” DeGuerin told Rolling Stone. “The judge tried to keep a poker face, but I thought I detected some amusement on his face.”
My hunch is this wasn’t the only moment of barely concealed mirth from the judge during the hearing, which also included Chavin’s recounting of going to sex clubs with Durst (including the infamous New York hot spot Plato’s Retreat) and dancing at the Mudd Club (another New York venue, immortalized in song by Frank Zappa, no less).
“I was a lot more conservative than [Durst] was,” Chavin claimed. “When you’ve got the money to buy your way out of stuff, you can do a lot of shit.”
I don’t know about you, but I’m personally saddened to hear the man behind “Cum Unto Jesus” and “Sit, Sit, Sit (On My Face)” can’t afford to buy himself out of trouble. Hell, if I thought any of you adult industry deadbeats would actually chip in, I’d consider establishing a Kickstarter fund to help Chavin out of any hot water he might wander into in the future.
Speaking of hot water in the future, I think it’s worth asking: If prosecutors were sufficiently concerned with his safety they kept Chavin’s identity a secret until after he testified, why reveal it before they know whether Durst will remain safely behind bars?
“This is going to sound sick,” Chavin claims Deputy District Attorney John Lewin (the same guy who argued for keeping Chavin’s name under wraps in the first place) said to him after the hearing. “But if anything happens to you after we videotape you, we really don’t care.”
Lewin was joking (presumably), but to me, there’s nothing at all funny about the idea of someone murdering the auteur of such cerebral jingles as “Talkin’ Matamoros First Piece O’ Ass Blues” and the steel guitar-tinged “Tit Stop Rock.”
OK, so he’s not exactly Bob Dylan. I’d still rather listen to him sing about “Bennies An’ Beer” than hear Toby Keith sing about the prospect of American boots being inserted into foreign asses.
