NATCHEZ, Miss. – A couple weeks back in this space, I wrote about the need for the porn industry to aim its parody-happy cameras at male presidential candidates for a change, if for no other reason than to counterbalance the impact of previous parodies pillorying the likes of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton.
Now, armed with a young woman named Searcy Hayes, an accidental celebrity-impersonator who’s a dead-wringer for frequent Divine co-star Edith Massey, xHamster seems poised to take up the challenge of a Ted Cruz porn parody.
The only problem is it sounds like xHamster’s plan is to have Searcy and her fiancé, Freddie Green, simply make a six-minute sex tape — and it’s hard to see how those six minutes could add up to being the 2016 edition of Who’s Nailin’ Palin?
“We wanted Searcy because overnight she became a viral meme,” said xHamster publicity hawk Mike Kulich. “I think a lot of xHamster viewers really wanted to see her in action.”
So, blessed with the rarest of opportunities (realistically, how often could one find a woman who looks just like Edith Massey and Ted Cruz who is also willing to perform in porn?), xHamster is going to waste this unique natural resource on six minutes of bad, iPhone-based gonzo porn filmmaking?
People, this just won’t do.
First off, among the two people comprising the global market for porn viewers who would actually want to watch Ted Cruz have sex, my hunch is at least one of them will object to the idea of Ted being presented as a woman.
The other potential viewer xHamster needs to consider is my neighbor Bill. Bill’s not gay, but he has been very clear about the fact he’d like to see Cruz penetrated anally with his favorite gardening implement — and if xHamster is making Searcy shoot her own sex tape with a smartphone, I seriously doubt they’re going to spring for a simple spade, much less underwrite the purchase of anything as fancy as Bill’s cherished five-way Garden Weasel.
If it’s not too late for xHamster to reconsider its plan, I hereby implore whoever’s in charge over there to get more creative with how they use their newly signed talent. If nothing else, they can just toss a quick throwaway political angle into the mix — anything to create an attachment to this story that goes beyond “Hey, this chick kinda-sorta looks like that one asshole senator from Texas.”
It really doesn’t require much effort or any additional casting to introduce some minimal political content into this, transforming a likely forgettable, quasi-amateur porn scene into an instant classic. Just present Green as a power-brokering senator whom Searcy needs to suck off in order to secure his vote for a ban on federal funding of Planned Parenthood, or perhaps his support to abolish the IRS, the Dept. of Education and/or Muslims. Either way, the most important sexual component for the scene is blindingly obvious: At some point in the action, Searcy/Cruz must be tea-bagged by the Senator.
See how easy this is, Hamsters? By now, you should be way past thinking about a single short scene and casting your gaze out into a future of dozens of award nominations (each of which will need its own press release, obviously).
Seeing as how Green and Searcy want to buy a truck, pay off their house and get married, I think it’s pretty clear this relationship has to go beyond one lousy scene, anyway — unless their house is made of cardboard pasted together with peanut butter spackle, which is a distinct possibility.
While it seems unlikely at the moment, were Cruz somehow to nail down the GOP nomination, an investment in Searcy would pay off handsomely for xHamster between now and the general election in November. Naturally, the returns would pile up even higher if Cruz were to wind up in the White House, at least until he managed to start World War III, but I don’t think that would happen any earlier than inauguration day (January 20, 2017).
This would leave xHamster around three months to rack up sales on their Searcy/Cruz parodies, using the proceeds to fashion themselves a reliable bomb shelter in which to ride out the short, tumultuous global apocalypse Cruz is certain to usher in should he attain the office of Carpet-Bomber in Chief.
If you’re like me, and you think porn parodies of male politicians deserve better than a few grainy minutes of two rednecks sweating up the sheets, make your voices heard: Hit up the xHamster team and demand a proper political porn parody!
Should the effort to convince xHamster to make better use of Searcy fail, I do have a backup plan in mind: convincing John Waters to fashion a politically-themed prequel to Pink Flamingos.
