By Dewey Trueman
Special to YNOT
PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Breaking news: Bernie Sanders is in stable but elderly condition following a savage beating from political rival Hillary Clinton, who allegedly thrashed her opponent about the face using a book made entirely of pornography.
According to reports I’m frankly far too busy to actually read, the porn-attack took place in Providence, R.I., which allegedly is the capital of a small northeastern state where Sanders narrowly defeated Clinton in Tuesday’s primary by appealing to youthful voters with promises to smash banks into small pieces, then reassemble those pieces into colleges young people could attend for free.
The Clinton campaign quickly and vehemently denied any connection to the alleged porn-attack.
“I did not have sex with that woman,” said a spokesman for the Clinton campaign, identified only as “Bill.” He conceded the statement’s believability depends upon the definition of the word “is.”
Roger McCormack, a silverware manufacturing supervisor from the Cranston area, said while he’s a bit confused by all the accusations, counter-accusations and counter-counter-accusations coming from both the Sanders and Clinton campaigns, he’s predisposed to fear the worst with respect to Clinton, in light of other controversies already swirling around her.
“If I understand this correctly, some guy named Goldman Sachs put Hillary up to this, paying her millions and millions of dollars to beat an old man with a rolled-up copy of Hustler,” McCormack said. “If that’s true, there’s no way I can vote for Clinton. I’m leaning toward believing the reports too, because she has done this sort of thing before — just ask that poor Ben Gazi fella.”
Other voters say they stand with Hillary, even if the reports concerning the porn attacks are accurate.
“Whether or not Hillary really smacked Bernie upside his socialist head with a DVD copy of One Night In Paris, she is getting my vote,” said Ophelia Ricketts, an advertising executive from Newport. “Besides, the only reason the media is even reporting on this unfortunate incident is because of their sexist anti-Hillary bias. If this had involved two male politicians, we wouldn’t even hear about it, unless it was Donald Trump hitting Ted Cruz with a 16-inch black dildo — and even if we did hear about it, I’m sure Trump would somehow manage to spin his choice of battering implement as ironclad proof he’s not a racist.”
Dennis Lawrence, senior political analyst for TNTMZ-SPAN 3, said even if the reports aren’t true, “by itself, the mere accusation could hurt Clinton in the general election” with a key Democratic demographic.
“This just isn’t a good look for someone courting the AARP vote,” Lawrence said, presumably referring to the American Association of Retro Pants, an activist group dedicated to restoring bell-bottom jeans to popularity. “Even among people who don’t plan to vote for him, Sanders is seen as a likable, avuncular figure. Centrist democrats might not like his policy ideas, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to be OK with someone clobbering him with a stack of porn mags.”
Woonsocket-based Donald Trump supporter Rand Umgi, a retired shipbuilder, said he was “delighted” to hear about the alleged attack.
“The liberal media is always talking about how Trump incites violence and hatred, but when was the last time you heard about him bashing an old man on the head with pornography?” Umgi asked. “Other than the one time he threw a massive wooden crate full of unsold celebrity sex tapes featuring that ‘Screech’ guy at John McCain, I mean.”
Public safety advocate Ralph Naderstein, director of Californians for Arbitrary and Selective Paternalism (CASP), said given the nature of the alleged assault, “the highest priority here should be the health and welfare of the porn performers involved, as well as the public at large.”
“The skulls of aging socialists are well-known to be among the most active vectors of sexually transmitted disease on the planet,” Naderstein said. “The government must act immediately to sequester Sanders, until CASP can comprehensively investigate whether the pornography used to cave in his skull is compliant with relevant Cal/OSHA standards — and find out if there’s any possibility of third-party exposure among subway passengers who may have come in contact with Mr. Sanders’ dandruff.”
Dewey Trueman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.
Images: Hillary Clinton by Gage Skidmore; Bernie Sanders by U.S. Dept. of Veterans Affairs
