By Kaye White
Special to YNOT
LOS ANGELES – As a straight woman who’s a big fan of gay porn, nothing gets me hotter than the fantasy of two heterosexual men deciding to experiment with gay sex after a night of drinking cheap beer, watching violent sports and talking about which Hooter’s waitress they’d like to fuck.
That’s why I’m so excited about a new trend in gay porn called “bro-cest.” In the genre, real-life amateur mixed martial arts fighters with ridiculous tattoos combine jiu-jitsu training with anal play, mutual masturbation and debating various manly topics, like who would win a seven-game series between the 1986 Los Angeles Lakers and the 1996 Chicago Bulls, among many other compelling, bro-filled scenarios.
Just as “faux-cest” is taking off with women who like straight-but-incest-themed porn, bro-cest is finding a receptive audience among women like me, who would watch straight porn if we could stand the idea of another woman having something we don’t have, even if that thing is a badly faked orgasm.
My current favorite bro-cest title is Frat House Circle Jerk Part 3: The Quarterback Controversy, which features a real rising star of the genre, Harry Mountman. Like most of the porn I enjoy, FHCJP3 has a very strong plot. It all starts with a group of six frat brothers playing a game of quarters while debating whether Tom Brady is better than Joe Montana.
In a highly realistic turn of events, after a few drinks one of the guys responds to a point about how much it helped Montana to have Jerry Rice as a receiver by looking at his friend and saying “blow me.” To his shock, his very macho frat brother, a guy nicknamed Pounder after his ability to chug a full can of Budweiser in under four seconds, responds by saying “Don’t mind if I do,” dropping to his knees and unzipping his friend’s pants.
As you can imagine, just as I’m sure happens all the time in real-life frat houses — especially those located on or near the campus of Arizona State University — without missing a beat, the other four frat guys whip out their cocks and start jerking off. All the while, they continue the discussion, bringing in the possibility John Elway or Dan Marino should be part of the conversation … but maybe not before they all jizz on Pounder’s unibrow.
Also great entertainment for the ladies is Transmission Repair Shop Orgy and Baseball Stats Review, a weekly online series produced by Chicago-based live webcam operation and gay porn studio Suck My Ditka. The challenge for the hosts of the show, Joe Buckfutt and Cal Rippedend, is to continue accurately citing obscure baseball stats while receiving sexual favors from the show’s guests and working on common transmission problems, all at the same time.
In my favorite episode so far, Joe managed to correctly rank the entire 1977 Yankees roster by batting average while receiving a rimjob from a bearded, masculine newcomer to the bro-cest video scene named Adam Eaton-Schwarz and rebuilding the tranny from a ’96 Camaro.
I wasn’t as impressed by Caddyshack vs. Vacation: A Blowbangin’ Bro-down, which really sounded promising. For starters, the disagreement over which of the two comedies referenced in the title was superior felt stilted and forced, especially on the part of the well-dressed sports marketing representatives who were put in the unenviable position of having to argue Clark Griswold was a “cooler” character than Ty Webb, an assertion that is ludicrous on its face.
Unfortunately, the lackluster movie debate carries over into passionless anal sex, as well. I swear, I’ve never seen a man look so bored with 10 inches of dick down his throat as Fred Philates does in the first scene. Honestly, he seemed like he’d much rather be talking hockey while having his balls licked — as he did in his bro-cest debut film, Shootin’ Pool, Suckin’ Cock and Talkin’ Gretzky with My Boys.
If you haven’t given watching bro-cest a try, all I can say is you’re really missing out. Luckily for you, this hot new trend doesn’t seem to be dying down. New bro-cest titles keep popping up like infield flies, only to be caught and imbibed by eager consumers like they were golden droplets of PED-spiced professional athlete urine.
I’ll be back next month with my review of the most anticipated bro-cest blockbuster of the summer, Let’s See If You Can Still Tell Tales of ‘Tough Mudder’ Glory with My Middle Finger Up Your Ass.
Kaye White is a blogger, gay porn reviewer, fine-food photographer and long-distance running enthusiast who lives in Los Angeles with her husband Chip, two parakeets and a Cocker Spaniel/Poodle mix named “Buster Keytone.”
