LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Like sunrise, death, taxes and the perennial mediocrity of the post-Shula-era Miami Dolphins, it’s inevitable someone in the adult industry is going to make a porno movie spoofing the sex scandal currently rocking the University of Louisville men’s basketball program.

For those unfamiliar with the story, here’s the basic outline. A woman named Katina Powell has written a book in which she describes a series of parties thrown for recruits targeted by the Louisville basketball program, at which she and other escorts (including Powell’s own daughters) were paid to have sex with recruits, players already on the Louisville team, adults who were there ostensibly to chaperon the visiting recruits and probably Charlie Sheen, as well. (I don’t know for a fact Sheen was there by the way. Just playing the odds here.)

Anyway, since we all know someone is going to bang out a quick and dirty porn parody of the scandal to take advantage of the publicity before the furor dies down, I thought I might as well lend a hand with some ideas, so it won’t completely suck big hairy balls.

Character names are going to be very important here folks, so let’s get them right.

First, the team’s coach must be named “Rick Putana.”

This is not negotiable, because Rick Putana is fucking perfect. There simply is no better name for the coach character, so just use this one and don’t even try to come up with something superior on your own, because it can’t be done.

The assistant coach is a little tougher, in part because “Andre McGee” sounds less like a graduate assistant basketball coach at a major college sports program and more like the mascot for some sort of Irish pub-style theme bar located just off campus. Personally, I like “Philandre McSkeet” as a parody name for this crucial and central character, but unlike Coach Putana, I’m open to other possibilities.

Katina Powell isn’t a particularly fun name, either, but in a flash of inspiration, I decided to go with an homage of sorts to a respected and cherished former Secretary of State who shares her surname: “Colina Powell.”

One of Powell’s daughters (Lindsay) also suffers from dull name syndrome, and frankly, I don’t really care what parody name she winds up with, so just have at her on your own. The other second-generation escort’s name, however, is fantastic: “Rod Ni Powell.” It’s almost too easy, but I’d just rearrange the syntax of the original slightly to create “Rod In Powell.”

If you try to depict every player and recruit allegedly involved in these parties, you’ll wind up way over budget, so I’d advise selecting a few of the higher-profile guys for sex roles and just make generous use of extras and porn mopes to cover the rest of the minor characters.

One player who has to be depicted, not just because he’s famous and on the cusp of playing his first season in the NBA, but because he has a great name as well, is former Cardinal and current Rocket Montrezl Harrell.

While it’s not quite as obvious a choice as Coach Putana, I strongly believe Montrezl should be immortalized in porn parody form as “Foshizzle Heras” — the added bonus being the last name works in this context whether it is pronounced “her ass” or “harass.”

As for the plot, it’s fair to say the story has literally already written itself. The only real question is whether the parody takes the position Coach Putana was aware of the parties or just a clueless rube.

If you go the clueless rube route, the best bet is to invoke a different sex scandal involving the same coach and have Coach Putana’s sex scene in the parody involve a female character named “Karen Sphyncter” who later in the movie tries to extort him.

The more convenient and topical route, though, might be having Coach Putana plug one of the Powells in his posh, trophy-laden office while talking to a Louisville booster about donating more money to the basketball program, in part so the program can afford to hire a better class of escorts — ideally, the sort that don’t treat Louisville basketball recruit sex parties as Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

Ultimately, it probably doesn’t matter how the porn parody ends, but I’d go with a sort of “lust conquers all” angle, one with a happy ending (figurative and literal) for everyone involved. The final sex scene could involve some bureaucrat from the NCAA showing up on campus to bring down the hammer on the basketball program, except before he can do so, all three of the Powells show up and treat him to a “reverse gangbang” that changes his entire perspective on the situation.

So there you go, whichever one of you makes the inevitable porn parody of Cardinal sins: almost everything you need as a framework for your parodic publicity effort.

All you need now is a good title — but I’m not going to offer one here, because we all know you’ll just end up using something lame like This Here Ain’t No ‘Cardinal Sins,’ The Official XXX Parody Movie Thingamajig.