MONTGOMERY, Ala. – If I have one great disadvantage in the world of dating, it’s the fact I’m not a state legislator.
I’m telling you, these “lawmaker” guys have it made when it comes to meeting women, because if they’re ever at a loss for a good pickup line, they can always break the ice by threatening to pass a law that would greatly inconvenience hot single chicks.
Of course, this conversational approach doesn’t work only with attractive women. It can also work on entire industry sectors, if you play your cards right.
Hey, don’t take my word for it. Just listen to Alabama State Rep. Jack Williams, a Republican and one of the sponsors of Alabama’s HB 428, a bill that would “prohibit the sale of a device that provides Internet access unless the device contains an active filter that blocks access to specified types of obscene material.”
As it turns out, Williams doesn’t really want to require device manufacturers to install such filters on the equipment they sell. This is just a means of getting their corporate digits, so to speak.
“This bill was a vehicle to get the communications industry to the table,” Williams said. “If I had done a press conference three weeks ago and said, ‘I think we have a problem with children’s access to pornography,’ the industry would have not even known I said it. By introducing legislation, they’re coming to the table saying they may be able to do some things they’re not doing.”
See, now here’s a man who thinks strategically. Why do something crazy like approach these companies with a clumsy move such as sending a letter or making a couple phone calls when you can propose a facially unconstitutional bill to scare them into metaphorically bringing flowers to you?
Williams isn’t just a strategic thinker, however. He’s also a cultural historian with a firm grip on the facts.
“Twenty years ago, a 12-year-old could not walk into an adult bookstore,” Williams said at a recent hearing of the Alabama House Commerce and Small Business Committee (HCSBC). “Today, the adult book store can come to them.”
This (evidently portable?) adult bookstore thing would indeed be problematic, if the average American 12 year-old could read and the adult bookstore in question hadn’t closed down several years ago under the combined pressure of hostile zoning laws and the free-porn-filled internet Williams is so keen to filter.
The HCSBC hasn’t taken any action yet on HB 428, apparently because first another committee must be formed to study the issue of children’s access to pornography. Evidently, this committee won’t be studying for long, though, because HCSBC chair Rep. Jim Carnes would decide what to do with the bill within the next few days.
Some of Williams’ legislative peers appear not to have received the memo about HB 428 being intended as a mere conversation-starter, however, including one of the bill’s 23 co-sponsors, Rep. Danny Crawford.
“We have so many parents that are working and the kids are at home,” Crawford said. “We don’t need them looking at these things, so if we can do something to filter it out, we should.”
Some might be tempted to point out to the Alabama House there’s no shortage of filtering options already available to parents, but Williams has identified a problem with ISP-level content filtration: It sometimes costs people money, which Williams says puts a burden on low-income families.
Under HB 428, you see, only adults who want to see the internet unfiltered will be met with a financial burden, namely the $20 fee (plus any “reasonable filter deactivation fee” the device seller wants to add on top, per Section 3(b) of the bill).
Sure, some fuddy-duddy of a so-called judge may object to this idea because of one dumb ‘First Amendment precedent’ or another, but there’s no time to worry about this possibility. After all, we’re trying to start a conversation here, and there’s no place in this conversation for fancy, highfalutin words like “unconstitutional” or “legally flawed” or “burdensome.”
Wait, we’ve already brought up burdensome, haven’t we? OK, that highfalutin word can stay in this conversation, but only in the context of how it’s burdensome to expect poor people to pay to have their online content filtered, but not in the context of how it might be burdensome to expect those same poor people to pay to have their online content not filtered.
The good news for Williams is even if HB 428 fails as legislation, he has some backup ideas to get conversations started, like why it should be OK for hunters to take down “whitetail deer and feral swine by means of bait.”
See what I mean? If I walk up to a woman in a bar and say Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and bait some feral pigs?, I’d sound like the kind of freak who might have dug a big pit in his basement into which he occasionally lowers a bucket with a bottle of skin cream inside it. If I were a state legislator, on the other hand, I could play off my awkward, possibly psychotic come-on like I was just trying to get some feedback from a highly-valued constituent.
