NEW YORK – Over the years, there have been countless porn jobs offered to mainstream celebrities by adult companies looking to drum up some quick, easy publicity. Typically, these offers come along when a celebrity has embarrassed himself/herself or wound up in the news for a sex-related reason, regardless whether there’s humiliation involved.
With all the revelations of sexual misconduct flowing out of the entertainment business in the past few weeks, it’s somewhat surprising we haven’t seen any of offers popping up in the news. Maybe that’s because the ploy finally has played out, or maybe it’s because even porn companies have some sense of propriety (although this seems unlikely, given the context of some of the past job offers).
I’m not sure “pity” is the right term, or “shame,” for that matter, but it would be some variation on unfortunate if the porn industry gave up on such job offers just in time for one that makes at least some sense.
I’m speaking, of course, of the idea of offering Louis CK a job as a webcam performer.
Wait, wait. Before you get all outraged and/or death-threat-sending-inclined, hear me out.
First, from the nature of his (now-admitted) misconduct, it’s clear Louis CK enjoys masturbating in front of strangers, which I should think is a definite plus when it comes to performing sex-cam work.
Plus, talented though he may be, he probably won’t be doing much comedy or film work anytime soon, so he might be desperate enough to accept the offer.
Beyond the natural, fortuitous pairing of Louis CK’ favorite hobby and an audience that is more than willing (for a change) to see him whip it out, there’s always the chance he’ll take the opportunity to regale his audience with some of the wit for which he’s famous, without anybody having to be physically close enough to him to fear getting comedian semen on their shoes in the process.
There are some potential downsides to employing Louis CK as a cam model though. I’d be remiss not to address those, as well.
The initial public relations backlash subsequent to making the offer is the first thing a cam company would need to consider, of course. I’m thinking the prospective employer could mitigate blowback by first claiming Louis CK was bitten by a shark during the interview process, thereby drumming up some sympathy to dull the social media outrage.
Not to be unkind, but I figure Louis’ physical appearance would be cause for hesitation on the part of some cam companies, who might reasonably question whether there’s a significant market for chubby, balding, redheaded straight men pulling on their cocks.
Louis CK’ appearance is just a marketing challenge to be overcome with innovative labeling, however — a matter of finding the right description to make him sound like exotic, forbidden fruit as opposed to repulsive and mildly nauseating.
Look, if calling a fat, hairy man a “bear” does the trick in terms of appealing to a sufficient number of gay men, I think describing Louis CK as “perfect for chubby-chasers who also have a thing for Julius Caesar statues” could work quite nicely.
As with any new hire, bringing Louis CK on board as a cam performer would not be a risk-free proposition. He could turn out to be a model employee, or he might surreptitiously ejaculate in his manager’s coffee when nobody’s looking – but the same can be said of anyone with a penis and a mean streak, no?
So, what do you say, adult cam companies of the world? Who among you has the compassion, tone deafness and/or shamelessness to step up and give a fallen funnyman a second chance at becoming a productive member of society?
While we’re on the subject, one more thing: Don’t get carried away and offer that Roy Moore dude a job. He’s liable to repay your generosity by demanding you post a copy of the Ten Commandments in the break room.
Image via Louis CK’s website.
