WOODLAND HILLS, Calif. – In its latest exploration of the mind of the modern porn performer, adult entertainment studio Oak Missile asked porn stars what they would do if they were elected President of the United States.
Jennifer Lowe-Rents: As President, my highest priority would be the safety and security of the U.S.A., so a lot of my ideas are similar to Donald Trump’s. Just as he intends to do, I’d build a wall between the Middle East and Mexico, and I’d make China pay for it by threatening to recognize Taiwan as an independent nation if they didn’t. I’d also bomb the shit out of Isis, because it totally freaks me out that some lady the Egyptians have been worshiping since long before they built the pyramids to store all their grain is still alive and wreaking havoc in Sri Lanka, or Zambonia, or wherever all those nasty Sybian refugees are from.
Sasha McTush: If I were elected President, the first thing I would do is issue an executive order declaring marijuana legal across the county. Then, as soon as the order went into effect, I’d invite over Willie Nelson so we could legally smoke a joint together on the roof of the White House, just like he did illegally with Abe Lincoln, or Grover Cleveland, or whomever the President was back then.
Oxy Gin: I’m not sure I’m eligible to be President. My mother says she lost my birth certificate a long time ago. That said, if I did get elected President, the first thing I would do is shut down that pipeline the Indians are so upset about. I mean, India is a huge country with like 800 trillion-billion people or something. Why would we want to piss them off? Besides, when I need an oil change, I’ve never had any trouble finding the 10W-30 I need down at Auto Zone, so I don’t know what we need some massive, leaky pipeline for in the first place.
Ralph Nuder: When I become President in January 2021, there are many things I will accomplish in my first 100 days, including counteracting all executive orders signed by my predecessor, Donald Trump. Once this has been accomplished, I will cancel all student debt, tear down the wall between Mexico and the U.S. (assuming one has been built by then), erect a statue of Gandalf outside the White House and strongly encourage Congress to rename Dulles International Airport the “Woodrow Long-Johnson International Skyport” in honor of my pet name for my penis. My second term will be when the real action starts, however, when I’ll declare war on Switzerland, just to force those assholes to take a definitive side in a military conflict for once in their miserably neutral lives.
Mina Pause: To me, the biggest issues we face as a country are all about the environmental and the cyber. On the environmental, we have to start taking climate change seriously, or more seriously than my boyfriend does, at least. I swear, he uses the temperature control knob on our thermostat like an on/off switch, instead of just letting the thermostat do its damn job. If he’s feeling cold, he jacks it up to like 80 degrees just to be sure it will run for a while — but then he forgets about it all fucking night long and it just runs and runs. Last month, our gas bill was almost $400! Anybody who doesn’t believe humans are contributing to global climate change should try dating this fucking guy. Trust me, two days into the relationship and you’ll understand how easy it is for even one human to impact the environment in dangerous — or at least extremely aggravating — ways.
Evan Polyurethane: If I became President, I’d run it just like the current guy: ruthlessly, deviously and mercilessly. The time he pushed that reporter in front of the subway train because she was getting too close to finding out he had used an alcoholic Congressman to plant negative news stories about a nominee for Secretary of State, then later murdered the Congressman and made it look like a suicide? Man, that shit was tight.
