LOS ANGELES – In the latest installment of the “Ask a Porn Star” series sponsored by adult entertainment studio Oak Missile, performers address the cutting-edge topic of gravitational waves, so-called “ripples in the fabric of space-time” that were first predicted by Albert Einstein in 1916, when he was in the throes of an intentional cough medicine overdose.

Sasha McTush
I’m not entirely sold on the existence of these gravity waves, since the “proof” is nothing but a faint tone that supposedly resulted from two black holes colliding somewhere out there in deep space, evidently near enough to a microphone that a bunch of dorks in lab coats over at the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO) were able to capture it on tape.

As a porn star, I actually see black holes collide up close all the time, typically when two performers are sitting on either end of a double-headed dildo and they get a little too into it, causing the entirety of the device to be ingested by their black holes, which then come into contact in an unexpected and often embarrassing way.

In all the times I’ve personally witnessed such collisions, I’ve never observed a tone like LIGO describes, let alone any evidence of a ripple in space-time. I’ve seen plenty of jiggles and wiggles, sure, but only in flesh — but to describe them as “ripples” would be pretty rude to my coworkers, if you ask me.

In summary, I know this Albert Eisenhower guy was supposed to be pretty smart and all, but if he had spent more time on porn sets and less time at post offices, I think his theories would have been way stronger as a result.

Evan Polyurethane
Back before I got into porn, I totally studied science stuff in college, so I know all about gravity rays.

A good example of how gravity rays work is in the one movie with Harrison Ford where his best friend is a talking bear. I think it’s called Harrison and the Hendersons. Anyway, in the movie, the space ship Harrison is flying, the Millennial Skyhawk, gets caught in a gravity ray shot at it by another, much larger spaceship, and no matter what Harrison tries, his ship just keeps drifting toward the bigger one. That’s how gravity works: The bigger something is, the more gravity it has, especially in its rays.

What happened recently is somebody finally showed that movie to the scientists at LIGO, which is this weird lab made of little plastic blocks that snap together to make shapes, like cars, windmills and Batman. I guess they’d been looking for gravity rays for like a hundred years, which is pretty sad, considering they’re scientists and you’d think they’d know more about movies and stuff.

Jennifer Lowe-Rents
The coolest part of gravitational waves is how they give scientists ears — or at least that’s my understanding from reading a New York Times article about them. On the one hand, it made me really, really sad to think of all these earless scientists running around with their Legos, trying to figure out which ones sounded good. But now, because of the gravity rays invented by this Albert Schweitzerstein guy, they can get on with their lives and doing all the science stuff you need to have ears for, like listening to rock music to make sure there’s no backwards messages from Satan in there — or regular, forward messages from Bryan Adams. That guy totally sucks.

Mina Pause
The perfect gravity wave, for me anyway, is about nine inches long, real thick and not too veiny, because veins can get a little gross.

At the same time, I’m not going to hold it against a guy if his gravity wave is a little shorter, or a bit more slender than the ideal. After all, it’s like they say: “It’s not the size of the boat; it’s the motion of the binary star system.”

Rick Rigid
Anybody who actually believes in gravity waves is an idiot. Just like climate change, evolution and vaccination shots, gravity waves are a hoax created by greedy scientists who are forwarding a liberal agenda. They just want to get rich, take away our guns and make us feel guilty about driving Hummers. I, for one, am never going to feel guilty about driving my Hummer or shooting so-called “endangered species.” You’re goddamn right they’re endangered, because I’m a good fucking shot and I’m not going to pay any attention to liberal fascists and all their “laws.”

How do we even call ourselves the Land of the Free anymore with all these laws? The worst are the laws of phys-ed, like this gravity law. Why shouldn’t I be able to fly? Does the government not trust us with the power of flight? Why do those drunks at American Airlines get to have all the fun?

So, in conclusion, I don’t believe in gravity rays, because I also don’t believe in gravity, because it’s a form of progressive tyranny, another overly-restrictive regulation that will kill American jobs and cause us to lose to China yet again.

Man, I can’t wait until Trump gets elected. We’ll just see what happens with all this gravity bullshit then, when there’s someone in the White House with the balls to stand up for what’s right and not just what some scientist says is right.