LONDON – I’ll be the first to admit I don’t much about the British military.

I do know the Brits spell the word “defense” like their soldiers’ overarching mission is to eradicate fencing from the planet. And I know they recently appointed a new Defense Secretary named “Gavin,” which is clearly too wussy a name for someone in the position.

As I understand it, the guy who occupies the same position in the U.S. is named “Mad Dog,” which on the one hand is an awful thing for a parent to do to a child, but on the other hand makes him sound like a total badass.

Anyway, according to that Gavin guy, one of the most important things the British military has to do is “ensure that they properly represent the modern society that they defend.” I’m guessing this duty is why, in the latest issue of Soldier magazine, the U.K.’s official Ministry of Defence-endorsed publication, there’s a brief section dedicated to educating its soldiers on the perils of surfing internet porn.

Under the heading “Rules and Regs,” the page begins with the question “What are you looking at?”

From this rather nosy question, the editors of Soldier proceed to dispense with basic, commonsense porn advice of the sort you might expect to come as news to a kindergartner.

“Stay on the right side of the law if viewing porn,” it begins.

Good call, MoD! Please, tell me more.

“Like the rest of the population, some soldiers watch porn online.”

Wow, really? Do they also eat, shit and sleep? They’re starting to sound almost human, these soldiers.

“It’s not usually against the law and what you get up to in private is your own business. Right?”

Uh-oh. Those one-word rhetorical questions are always a harbinger of bad news.

“Not necessarily,” the info sheet continues, answering its own question. “While it is obvious that content involving extreme violence, children or animals is illegal, you could also get into trouble for looking at other material.”

See? I told you there was bad news coming.

“The age of consent for having sex is 16, but it is against the law to view, make, possess or share sexual images of anyone under the age of 18.”

Whoa, slow down there, Brigadier General Information-Overload. These are soldiers we’re talking about here; they may still be trying to figure out what’s wrong with a little harmless sheep-fucking video fun. Let’s not overwhelm them with such heady legal jargon just yet.

“Here’s what you should understand,” the info sheet states, offering a merciful pause between laying out the glaringly obvious and diving in to the mundanely evident.

“18,” the sheet continues, “If you knowingly view an indecent picture of someone younger than this you are committing an offence, even if they ‘consented.’”

(The reason “consented” is presented within quotation marks, of course, is the MoD doesn’t really mean the person consented. In this, they are adopting a protocol from official American presidential communications.)

Continuing with its “Sesame Street” numbers game, the next bullet point begins with 5.

“This is the maximum prison sentence, in years, for possessing an indecent photograph (or a graphic that looks like one) of a minor,” the info sheet notes.

You hear that, U.K. soldiers? No graphics that look like minors, either. This is very important, because if you’ve ever met an Englishman, you know nothing turns him like a good graphic, even one that looks like nothing in particular.

The editors of Soldier aren’t finished with numbers yet, though. The next one is 10.

“Making or distributing images could land you with this maximum jail sentence,” the info sheet states. “In legal terms, ‘making’ could include opening an email attachment, downloading a picture or accessing a website where content appears through a pop-up.”

Wait a minute. Under UK law, downloading something is considered “making” it? If nothing else, I suppose this explains why so many young people who string together samples of James Brown think they’re “making” music.

Numbers aren’t enough to educate British soldiers, though. They also need to “get clued up,” another section of the info sheet notes.

“It’s not just the dark web,” the sheet states. “There are lots of illegal images on the ordinary internet, even well-known sites.”

No shit, Sherlock? You know, I’m starting to understand why the Brits never caught Jack the Ripper.

“It’s not just paid sites,” the sheet (which I’m starting to think was compiled by a certain officer who promotes Hotels.com) continues. “People post images of abuse on free sites, possibly with the intention of enticing viewers onto paid channels.”

There’s more to this info sheet, but if I keep reading it, I’m concerned I may get noticeably dumber –- which isn’t easy for a guy who has huffed as much paint as I have over the past 40 years.

There you have it, British soldiers: your one-sheet online porn education, the gist of which is “more online porn than you think is illegal.”

Sure, I suppose that could have been said without all the numbers, bullet-points and gratuitous insults to your collective intelligence … but what fun would that be?

Image © U.K. Ministry of Defence