LOS ANGELES – Over the past couple of years, I’ve worked diligently to catalog all the different ways in which porn threatens the future of humanity, from lying in wait like a sniper/spider to chomping our necks like a vampire to destroying churches and murdering love. Now, I’m happy to report, it appears humanity is getting ready to fight back — with a vengeance.
Led by intrepid Christian filmmakers, the Conquer Series is no mere anti-porn campaign. It’s a literal war against pornography, a war that will be prosecuted by both sword and fighter jet, Bible and DVD.
As you can tell if you click the link above, at the moment the Conquer Series website appears to be under attack by Apaches, a famously militaristic Native American tribe which for some reason is now apparently allied with the porn industry, a tribe that evidently has traded in its tomahawks for a new, high-tech weapon called “CentOS.”
At any rate, the Conquer Series trailer is alive and well on YouTube, so if all you pornographers, sinners, apostates and Apaches think this little hiccup in the Conquer servers is going to slow down God’s march against porn, you’ve got another think cumming.
Ostensibly a “cinematic teaching series on sexual purity,” as the trailer clearly reveals, this righteous effort is really all about fast fighter jets, big broadswords and sweet, sweet revenge on the Satan-sponsored porn industry.
While I’ll need to see the entire Conquer Series to be sure, based on the trailer, it appears the porn industry really has it in for former Marine and current pastor Dr. Ted Roberts.
First, using Asian proxies wearing those funky, conical straw hats, the porn industry tried to shoot down a fighter plane being piloted by Roberts (who was presumably on a mission from God at the time). Foiled by God’s protection of Roberts, pornographers later tried to drown him in the ocean by tying his leg to some undersea rocks with a yellow rope.
Even for the porn industry, trying to drown a Marine pastor is pretty low, I think we can all agree. So, it’s totally understandable why Roberts got pissed off to the point where he’s now planning to destroy the industry using a sword forged by God, and/or fighter planes forged by one of the many Prince-of-Peace-approved American defense contractors.
“Like I had a rope around my leg, they have a noose around our soul,” Roberts explains, acknowledging the difficulty of breaking porn’s grip. Still, there’s no reason to despair, Roberts says, because “the shed blood of Jesus Christ guarantees there’s a way out.”
To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how the shed blood of Jesus Christ helps one escape an undersea noose. If anything, it seems like it would just attract sharks while you tried to free yourself from the rope. As we all know though, the Lord “works in mysterious ways,” apparently even when He’s scuba diving.
It’s not clear just how much of the greater Los Angeles area Roberts and his decency warriors intend to bomb and/or slash in the process of destroying the porn industry, but based on the ethnicities of the good and bad guys depicted in the trailer, I’d be almost as concerned if I lived in Koreatown as I would if I lived in Canoga Park.
Regardless of the specific neighborhoods targeted, I’m pretty sure the carnage is going to be epic, as this Roberts fellow sounds more than a little unhinged to me.
“You know what I’m having the joy of is sweet revenge,” Roberts says, invoking the (Old Testament) Lord’s well-documented penchant for vengeance. “The very thing the enemy has used against me as a weapon, now God has forged by the hammer of this adversity He’s brought into my life, by the hammer of His challenges, by the correction of my soul, and He’s pouring it into a weapon and I’m taking sweet revenge against the enemy. And that’s what God has for you.”
Personally, I’ve always tended to buy my weapons at gun shows, Renaissance fairs and Walmart, but I must admit, this God-forged sword sounds pretty kickass. I wonder if it’s included with purchase of the DVD series or sold separately, like the AA batteries I periodically have to buy for my motion-sensing Touchdown Jesus porch light.
Either way, with God on his side, can there be any doubt Reverend Ted-Bob will eventually triumph over the forces of smut and lust?
Well, if the Conquer Series is anything like that Hunger Games shit, we won’t find out for sure until part three of the second sequel. So if you reside in the Chatsworth area, don’t fret: There’s still plenty of time to move to a morally safer, Godly place — like North Carolina.
