NEW YORK, NY — After at least seven years of being screwed by the government, America may have an opportunity to return the favor. Al Goldstein is running for president!The Korean War veteran and one-time infamous publisher of New York City’s Screw magazine has decided that surviving a rough ride on the waves of prosperity, poverty, opulence, and homelessness is a perfect training ground for the presidency.
According to a press release, Goldstein’s bid for the highest office in the nation stems from a passion for public service, personified during his controversial career in publishing by a steady defense of the First Amendment and consistent opposition from anti-sex/pro-war thinkers. Although Goldstein’s PACE University degree in English surely introduced him to the fate of Socrates, the 71-year-old candidate says, “I think the American people want honesty in a candidate.”
“I had everything,” he further explains on his AlGoldstein.com blog. “Eleven million dollars, wives, girlfriends, everyone loved me, but I lost it all because of my flaws, which are too many. Until recently, I was homeless. I’m coming to you today, a man full of regrets and great memories, a humble human being who is here to tell you that the meaning of life can be found in pot and cunnilingus.”
Goldstein truly is a humble human being at the moment. Although no longer homeless, the man whose stone statue of a hand flipping the bird once greeted any who took to the waterways of Pompano Beach, FL near his then-home, now subsists on his Social Security income and has his blog hosted by Booble.com. His autobiography, I, Goldstein, told the tale of his fall from excess and how his experiments in photography and tabloid journalism led him to found Screw during the summer of 1968 — and quickly rack up 17 arrests for obscenity.
Hustler magazine founder Larry Flynt is quoted on the press release as saying “Run, Al, Run… Al Goldstein for everything.” Like Goldstein, Flynt has had his scraps with the law concerning adult content, and has also tossed his hat in the political ring in the not-too-distant past.
Bob Smart, aka Booble Bob, serves as Goldstein’s campaign manager and opines that “Al Goldstein is a national treasure. As the world’s dirtiest old man, Al has something to say about the world he helped create, and we Americans have a duty to listen.”
According to Goldstein’s blog, among the things he has to say is that he is “against all wars,” that current President George W. Bush is “a liar, a former cocaine user, who has sent thousands of Americans to die for nothing,” that gays should be given the legal right to marry so that they can “be as miserable as heterosexual people,” and that fellow Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton are, in order, “unelectable” since “No on can pronounce his name,” and “A fireplug on legs, a moralizer no better than Bush.”
Smart suggests that Goldstein may switch party affiliates to Independent, in part because, “Without another sponsor, we can’t afford to travel Al to the relevant campaign stops in New Hampshire, Iowa, and California…” If a sponsor does not appear, Goldstein will likely focus his campaign “on the internet, radio, and the big porn shows where Al’s most likely voters will congregate.”
Although Goldstein confesses that he’d love to find a girlfriend to be his First Lady, since he hasn’t “been laid in over two years,” and is willing to exchange sex for a female Vice-President, he assures the porn positive that his candidacy is serious. “I hope to be funny, without being a joke. My whole life has led me to this moment. I only want to make people smile and maybe think a little bit before they vote.”
Video clips promoting Goldstein’s screwy candidacy can be found at www.Goldstein08.com and cover topics including racism, the internet, George W. Bush, and same-sex marriage.
