WASHINGTON, D.C. – In its dogged pursuit of information concerning President Donald Trump’s tax returns, the national media may unwittingly have stumbled across an exciting new pornographic genre: “sneaky porn.”
While examining Trump’s leaked 2005 tax returns, the panel of talking heads on MSNBC’s “Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell” were puzzling over the inclusion of wages and salary income, something O’Donnell found bigly odd coming from someone of Trump’s tremendous, terrific, yuge wealth.
“It could be [Melania’s],” noted journalist David Cay Johnston, the man to whom the returns were leaked. “His wife was a model.”
“She’s on here, but she was never at that league of that business,” O’Donnell replied.
Then, in response to O’Donnell, Johnston let loose with a hitherto unknown fact concerning the First Lady.
“She did do very sneaky porn,” Johnston said, as reported by Alex Griswold of the Washington Free Beacon.
It has long been public knowledge Melania Trump posed for some racy pictures over the course of her modeling career, but sneaky porn?
Forget about the tax return. Never mind the bottom line effective tax rate paid. Tell me more about this intriguing pornographic niche which hitherto had escaped my notice.
Was Melania producing porn in which she filmed unwitting couples through their bedroom windows, perhaps while perched in a makeshift crow’s nest in a backyard tree? Was Melania herself the one being surreptitiously filmed? Or maybe she was the agent of deception, so to speak, dressed as a plumber responding to a weekend emergency call, at which point some completely unanticipated-by-the-customer boom chicka wah-wah suddenly ensued?
Of course, we also need to bear in mind this wasn’t just sneaky porn, it was very sneaky porn, according to Johnston. This suggests a scenario in which Melania was producer, director and performer rolled into one, as this would greatly benefit efforts to maintain operational security for her sneaky porno project.
No wonder Trump has been so secretive and sensitive about his tax returns! Would you want someone to find out about your wife’s career as a producer of sneaky porn? Hell no you wouldn’t, because then your friends would all be bugging you to borrow things, in the hopes your wife would be the one to deliver the items, inevitably leading to the start of their own surreptitious porn careers.
Come to think of it, if the porn in question is/was sufficiently sneaky, maybe Donald Trump wasn’t aware of it, either. For that matter, he may have learned about it by watching O’Donnell’s (presumably failing, sad, low-ratings) show just like the rest of us.
If this is the case, we should soon witness the tweetstorm to end all tweetstorms from our Commander in Chief. If I were a betting man, I’d wager those tweets will feature the terms “fake news,” “failing MSNBC,” “ugly Rachel Maddow,” “dummy Lawrence O’Donnell” and “so-called porn.”
Also possible, of course, is that Johnston was directed by President Trump himself to raise the specter of sneaky porn in order to get the media talking about sneaky porn instead of, say, continually mocking him for misspelling three-letter words.
The other, far less entertaining possibility is Griswold simply made a mistake in transcribing Johnston’s comments, and he meant to write “sleazy porn.” I think this theory should be dismissed summarily for lack of entertainment value, so let’s hearby hear-by hereby never speak of it again, unless I’m forced to update this article with absolute confirmation of such an error being the reason the term “sneaky porn” appeared in the original article.
Update: Sadly, Griswold has updated his article with a note stating, “This post was updated to reflect that David Cay Johnston said ‘sleazy porn,’ not ‘sneaky porn,’ as was originally written.”
I steadfastly refuse to accept this update, however, and will continue to regularly google ‘sneaky porn’ in hopes of discovering a pornographic video in which the First Lady is dressed like a cat burglar, James Bond, or a pizza boy.
