By Brad Kellen
Special to YNOT                                    

GULFPORT, Miss. – Unless you’re a fan of the University of Mississippi-Gulfport Fightin’ Chickadees football team, my name is probably only familiar to you because of my unsuccessful romantic overtures toward popular porn performer Gia Katip, who famously outed me about sending her what were supposed to be private messages, much to the delight of her followers and judgmental internet assholes around the globe.

Predictably, my name being in the news in association with Gia has led to an offer coming my way from the porn site SmutNucleus, which I think must have a clause in its hosting contract requiring the company to write open letters to anyone whose name appears in the same news report as the word porn.

What bothers me isn’t receiving an offer from a porn company; I knew that was coming as soon as Gia published the messages. What bothers me is the nature of the SmutNucleus offering: a “date” with a porn star.

“I’d like to officially offer you to go on a date with a porn star and learn how to best pick up women,” Cory Cost, the vice president of SmutNucleus wrote in the letter. “Because as everybody knows, porn stars are totally representative of women generally, so if you learn pickup lines from them, you’ll be a shoe-in with the girls on campus, most of whom presumably think of you as a pathetic, porn-obsessed dweeb at the moment.”

Setting aside the fact the lazily-written letter doesn’t even mention any names or ask for my input in choosing prospects for the date, this offer is downright insulting. Every other dick-pic-tweeting, debate-question-asking, eight-child-having goddamn nobody gets offered cold, hard cash to do porn, and I get offered a fucking date?

Look dude, I might have fumbled my come-on to Gia, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely clueless when it comes to approaching women in general. I am the quarterback of a major college football team, you know. Every once in a while, guys like me get laid. Hey, don’t take my word for it; just watch any ’80s movie with Rodney Dangerfield or John Cusack in it.

Yes I blew it with my clumsy approach to Gia, but you can chalk that up to nerves. Not every chick I meet is so hot it makes me weak in my surgically-repaired knees just to look at her, after all. Plus, in the vast majority of cases, I don’t even know in advance if they suck cock at all, much less that they’re definitely really, really, good at doing so.

I’m sure if he were asked, Cost would say SmutNucleus didn’t offer me cash because they thought doing so might violate NCAA rules or negatively impact my eligibility to play football. Here’s the thing, though: Unlike my Hall of Famer uncle, I’m not going to be signing any $100-million contracts with an NFL team anytime soon.

In other words, if someone wants to pay me a million bucks to fuck a couple hot girls on camera, or even just tug on my cock while a couple of said hot girls make out in front of me, I’d happily accept the job to avoid getting sacked 25 to 30 times by the Alabama defense when we play them next month.

Plus (and I don’t really mean to brag here), I’m hung like a stallion — and I’m not talking about that anatomically-censored thing painted on the side of Southern Methodist University’s helmets. At 6’2”, I would tower over the petite female performers like a giant pile of manliness, and my football training would enable me to thrust away for hours on end without taking so much as a smoke break.

Hiring me to do porn would be a win-win. Footing the bill for me to go on some stupid date, on the other hand, would just make me feel like that Mike Stone douche back in 2012. Did he get recruitment letters from hundreds of Division I schools when he was in high school? I don’t think so.

Think about it, SmutNucleus — and whether you decide to amend the offer or not, give it a rest with the open letters, for fuck’s sake. This might come as a shock to you, but outside the porn industry, most people prefer to conduct business in a way that is only visible to the negotiating parties, not every swinging dick with a smartphone.

Brad Kellen is the starting quarterback for the University of Mississippi-Gulfport Fightin’ Chickadees. Rated a four-star recruit coming out of high school, Kellen has won Player of the Week for his conference four times in the past season and a half but should probably have his smartphone taken away until at least mid-January.