ST. GEORGE, Utah – A mere three months after what seemed like an unbeatable apex in quality was established in the grand history of porn-related news headlines, a challenger to the throne emerged.
“When you encounter a headline like ‘Former porn actress rereleases song after raccoon attack,’ you just naturally think nothing will ever top it,” said Monty Schlange, an ad hoc professor in the Trivial Studies Department at Lacherlich College of Springfield. “But I must admit, the recent news out of Utah may have risen to the challenge, even without the aid of a raccoon.”
In a headline that once again underlines everything Asia Carrera has proclaimed repeatedly and loudly about her incredible, superior intellect, the New York Daily News informs: “Colander-wearing Utah porn star will get house arrest for DUI at daughter’s school.”
The syntax of the headline seems to suggest Carrera (aka “Jessica Steinhauser,” aka “Asia Lemmon”) was wearing a colander during the hearing that resulted in her being held under house arrest after drunk-driving around her daughter’s school.
The far less entertaining truth, according to Schlange, is the former porn star merely wore the colander while having her picture taken at the DMV, not while weaving in between playground equipment in a minivan.
“In terms of the actual story, Robin Byrd’s probably takes the prize for strangeness, just because it’s not every day a porn star gets bitten by a raccoon,” Schlange said. “On the other hand, it’s probably not every day a por nstar wears a colander on her head, either. I’m guessing porn star DUIs are way down in the age of Uber, so I suppose Asia’s situation is rather unique, as well.”
Adult industry publicist Bryce Gauche said while neither circumstance is ideal from a PR perspective, Byrd is likely “the more sympathetic figure.”
“Anytime you’re bitten by something, whether it’s a raccoon, a vicious swamp rabbit or Marv Albert, I think you’re presumed to be the victim,” Gauche said. “But when you blow a .254 blood-alcohol level after passing out on a couch at your daughter’s school, it’s kind of hard to blame the whole thing on your headgear, even when your headgear is a colander.”
Porn director Skidley Rott, who said he had hoped to get Carrera to sign on for a new “atheist porn” series he planned to call Flying Spaghetti Sluts, said the incident has forced him to rethink his plans.
“I’m not sure what the connection is to begin with between spaghetti and godlessness,” Rott said. “So, while I’m totally committed to the atheist angle, I might drop the pasta part just to emphasize I’m firmly against driving drunk in our schools. It’s one thing to roll home shitfaced from a strip club, but plastered is no way to attend a PTA meeting.”
Former pornstar Floretta Lynn, a contemporary of Carrera’s, said she was “completely shocked” when she read the news.
“Back when Asia and I were both still actively performing, she was very outspoken, especially about her own intellect,” Lynn said. “But at the same time, she was always very fashion-forwards. Wearing colander hats is just so 2010, you know? The Asia I knew and loved would have at least graduated to gravy boats by now.”
Despite the negative publicity from her DUI and affection for colander millinery, Gauche said all hope is not lost for Carrera to “rebuild and rebrand.”
“Two months ago, if someone had told me Chip Kelly would land the San Francisco head coaching job, I would have laughed right in their face,” Gauche said. “So there’s definitely still hope for Asia — especially if she has experience running the read option offense.”
