By Prudence Beecher
Special to YNOT

CUPERTINO, Calif. – For my money, there’s nothing more upsetting than searching for something innocuous, like roosters of uncommon size, and being confronted with images of engorged penises simply because I chose to express what I was looking for by innocently inputting the term “huge cocks” into a search box.

This is why I applaud Apple’s ongoing, frantic efforts to block potentially problematic search terms in its new gif search function in the iOS 10 iMessage function. Clearly, protecting the occasional random individual from accidentally exposing themselves to something upsetting is far more important than helping many, many other people find what they’re looking for when they search for the term in question.

Consider this: It’s called a “search” function, not a “find” function. If you’re upset about Apple blocking terms, keep in mind they’re not preventing you from continuing to search for those things, they’re just preventing you from actually finding them.

It’s also important to remember searches don’t take place in a vacuum. They often represent people looking for real-world items you and I can all agree we’d prefer they not find, like bomb-making instructions, federal buildings and meat whistles.

To be clear, if Apple were censoring its search mechanisms in an attempt to crack down on people seeking useful and beneficial things like pirated music, movies and software, then I’d be among those criticizing them. Since all they’re doing is keeping people from viewing terrible, mind-staining things like sideboob images and nipple clamps, I just can’t fathom why some people are upset about it.

Obviously, we can all agree the female breast is something people shouldn’t be permitted to view from the side, or adorned with clips, or while it’s being sucked on by an infant, or while its owner is riding a bicycle as part of a political protest. This being the case, why would we be anything but supportive of Apple’s efforts to limit access to breast-related gifs?

As for meat whistles, I have several questions. For starters, aren’t there better mediums from which to manufacture noise-making devices? Is beef particularly resonant, or capable of producing a more immediately recognizable and attention-getting whistling sound than metal or plastic? Why would someone render such a whistle in gif form, anyway?

I sent emails to the league offices for both the NBA and NFL to inquire whether their leagues have ever employed, or considered employing, meat whistles, but thus far I’ve received no response. Offhand, though, I’d say it’s unlikely. Presumably, metal whistles don’t rot, and if there are any Hindu officials in either league, forcing them to use a beef-based whistle could raise serious First Amendment concerns, just as pork-whistles would be a non-starter for the league’s Muslim and Jewish referees.

Making Apple’s challenge all the more difficult (and therefor praiseworthy) is the fact a lot of perverts will make up new words to communicate their filthy thoughts to each other. Accordingly, Apple is going to be faced with blocking nonsense terms like “yiff,” which as I understand it has something to do with men wearing dog costumes attempting to have intercourse with the legs of men not wearing dog costumes, as well as the made-up word “goatse,” which I assume is a sport and/or sex act involving Swedish livestock.

The only criticism I can offer of Apple’s campaign to clean up its gif search is the company isn’t casting its net wider in order to catch more damaging material. Promoting decency and protecting children isn’t just about pornography, after all. Young people also need to be shielded from negative influences and corrupting ideas like socialism, Pokemon, Harry Potter, Arizona State University and the Hillary Clinton campaign.

Instead of ridiculing Apple over its temporary porn-enabling, let’s give them credit for taking swift action to resolve the problem.

At the same time, let’s keep the pressure on to get Apple to extend this blocking to the browsers on their mobile devices and desktop machines — because I have a feeling a lot of people determined to get around their gif-gate are, unfortunately, going to remember the internet exists and can be accessed by other means.

Prudence Beecher is a devout Christian, mother of seven, needlework expert and anti-pornography activist from Anniston, Alabama. She is also the author of several fine e-books, including Book-Burning: It’s All about Using the Right Accelerant and Stand for the National Anthem or Die, You Entitled Little Athletic Commies!