NEW YORK – As porn has become a more acceptable subject for open, public discussion, all sorts of media outlets, advice columnists and random people with internet access have begun to offer porn-related advice.
There’s so much porn advice now, from so many different sources, you can even get tips on the best places to find feminist porn from a site nominally dedicated to wedding planning.
I’m always looking for ways to fill in the gaps left uncovered by other columnists, so instead of providing tips in areas that have been well covered by others, like ways to incorporate porn into your relationship, I’m here to help avoid pitfalls left unmentioned by other commentators.
So, with no further ado, here are seven ways not to introduce porn into your relationship.
Don’t introduce porn to your relationship by getting caught masturbating to your girlfriend’s sister’s cam show. While not all women are especially sensitive to their boyfriend finding their sister more attractive than they are, enough of them have this quirk that it’s probably best you get your girlfriend’s explicit permission before logging on to her sister’s cam show. This is particularly true if you plan to pay for a premium one-on-one session in which you request something special, like masturbating with a cucumber or donning a Richard Nixon mask, turning her back to the camera, then twerking with an American flag planted in her butthole.
Don’t start by sending your partner pictures of your genitals. When bringing in porn to spice up your sex life, it’s important to start slow –- so don’t dive right in to sexting by displaying your own cock or pussy. There’s an endless number of pictures of other people’s genitals available on the internet. Start by sending pictures of those to your partner, then work your way up (or perhaps down) to yours.
Don’t follow the lead of A Clockwork Orange. When bringing porn into your relationship, it’s very important to establish first that your partner wants to watch porn. Accordingly, you should never start by strapping your partner into an uncomfortable chair, securing their head in a position that makes looking at the screen unavoidable, somehow affixing their eyelids into an open position and then playing porn on the screen. At the very least, you should use a comfortable chair.
Don’t start with hardcore porn that has been edited for cable, satellite or hotel distribution. Hardcore porn that has been tamed down for broadcast is the lamest shit ever. It’s the worst of all possible porn-worlds. It offers all the acting talent of hardcore porn with the added frustration of never getting to see anything truly filthy and shameful.
Don’t start with Euro-porn. All the guys in Euro-porn look like Russian mob henchmen and sound like a dying moose when they ejaculate. If your partner is into that shit, you shouldn’t be fucking her/him anyway.
Delete your existing cache and search history first. If you’re going to watch online porn as your first joint porn-watching experience, make sure you eliminate all evidence of your prior porn surfing first. This way, you can lie about all the sick shit you’re really into and ease your partner into the darker corners of your sexual id, rather than have your partner find out about your most fucked-up fetishes before you’ve even had the chance to masturbate in front of each other while listening to German death metal, or whatever.
Don’t try to introduce porn into non-sexual relationships. In retrospect, I probably should have put this rule first. It’s crucially important you only try to introduce porn into sexual relationships, not employer/employee, attorney/client, doctor/patient or other types of relationships. Put another way, it’s not cool to watch porn on your smartphone while having your teeth cleaned –- according to my dentist, at least.
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