LAS VEGAS – It’s been a rough week for Kevin Hart, whose most famous movie may now be a too-dark, shaky short film shot in not-so-glamorous Las Vegas locations.

I thought about sitting down to write a sober, sympathetic post about how extortion is always wrong, two wrongs don’t make a right, etc., but then my better judgment prevailed. After a moment of confusion, I remembered who I am: A sarcastic prick who has never seen a low blow he didn’t like, so long as it’s aimed at someone else’s scrotum.

Since I’m also someone who has always wanted to write one of those pieces based on an arbitrary number applied to a random subject currently in the news, like “6 Reasons You Shouldn’t Eat At Arby’s” or “9 Ways Your Choice Of Shampoo Proves You’re Racist,” I’m going to look at the Kevin Hart sex tape scandal from a different angle – one better suited to a rhetorical upskirt, so to speak.

So, here you go – 5 Ways Kevin Hart Isn’t A Typical Revenge Porn Victim.

He’s not a chick

Let’s face it, most victims of revenge porn are chicks, which should make them more sympathetic, but since a lot of people who read about revenge porn are doing so with a big, misogynistic smile on their face, we don’t often see much sympathy for the victims expressed in the comments below articles on the topic.

In the case of Kevin Hart, however, a lot of negative attention seems to be getting lumped on Montia Sabbag, the woman in the video. Due to the attention focused on Sabbag, Hart appears to be getting off easier than the average revenge porn victim – or maybe “getting off easier” is just the birthright of any man depicted in porn, even revenge porn.

He’s even shorter

I’ve never held up a ruler to the guy, or stood next to him, but based on the available evidence, I estimate Hart is roughly 17 inches tall, which makes him about 47 inches shorter than the average American woman, according to the first bullshit article Google returned in response to the query “How fucking short are women, on average, in whatever country it is I woke up in today?”

He’s rich as hell

I sure hope Hart is rich as hell, at least. If he’s not, someone is going to have to explain how he isn’t, considering I see an ad for some new movie he’s in approximately every 14 seconds, in between ads for other things which aren’t Kevin Hart movies, but which he’s featured in for some other reason.

He’s played in the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game

So far as I’m aware, most revenge porn victims have never played basketball on television, let alone during the NBA’s All-Star Weekend, an event which, despite its name, takes approximately seven weeks to complete. (To be fair, about half of that time is spent watching some other famous person lip-sync the “Star Spangled Banner.”)

You never even really get to see his tits

Despite all the hype, this so-called “sex tape” is even lamer than the old, night-vision-looking one starring Anne Coulter Paris Hilton which everybody got so excited about years ago. All you really get to see is a couple people vaguely pawing at each other in a bed, followed by a blurry, naked, short guy strolling across the room, presumably following coitus.

Overall, if I had to rate the quality of this movie, I’d say it’s better than Ride Along 9, but not quite as good as Think Like A Man, Also-Also-Too.

Check in again next week, when try I’ll to answer an important question which has been plaguing celebrity sex-tape observers and pundits ever since this story broke: Are Lisa Bloom and Gloria Allred secretly the same person?

Kevin Hart photo © Eva Rinaldi