LOS ANGELES – It’s Black Friday again, which means, of course, it’s time for the treasured national commercial ritual of sinking of the SS Carolina.

Wait… No, that’s Black Sunday. Black Friday is the day when people stampede into shopping malls and big-box stores, trampling each other viciously in pursuit of cheap big-screen TVs, the year’s hottest toys, or BOGO deals on leaf blowers, smartphones and – best of all – “Do Not Age Triple Peptide Eye Cream.”

In the world of online porn, it can be tricky to come up with great offers for Black Friday, Cyber Monday and “WTF Was I Thinking Take-Back Tuesday,” in part because most consumers think of online porn as free, making it difficult to offer them deep discounts.

For those struggling to come up with good ideas for Black Friday and Cyber Monday porn promotions, here are some options to consider.

Insensitively themed pay-site BOGO offers. What better way to salute Black Friday than two-for-one subscription offers bundling interracial and cuckolding pay sites? Sure, some folks will be rightly and understandably offended and complain bitterly, but you can mitigate this by stringing together a bunch of poorly-coded exit consoles from your coupon page, crashing their browsers, or possibly even permanently damaging their mobile devices.

Limited time free porn offers. On any given day, at least a few visitors to your sites will be newbies and/or first-time visitors. Use Black Friday and/or Cyber Monday as an opportunity to prey on their lack of experience by pretending they can get all the free porn they want, for a limited time only, by signing up for your email list, or even better, by providing their mobile number for you to text-spam into oblivion. Good times!

Friendlier-than-usual ransomware popups. Let’s say your usual ransomware popup scares consumers by telling them their computer has been infected by a virus and the only way to fix the problem is to pay you $250. You can increase Cyber Monday consumer engagement with these offers significantly, just by reducing your blackmail price point to a flat $200. Of course, you also have the option of turning it into a longer-tail, higher-yield deal by offering the option of “three easy installments of $69.99.”

Almost-interactive cam shows. Let’s face it, most cam models and performers aren’t going to show up on Black Friday anyway (presumably, they’ll be busy shopping, too), so take the opportunity to stream reruns of past live-cam shows at a discounted price of only $1.99 a minute. It’s important not to make it too obvious the shows are canned, though, so avoid referring to them as “previously recorded” or “archived.” Instead, use terms like “virtually interactive” or “Farrah Abraham-ish.”

Boost those numbers. Everything is bigger and better on Black Friday and Cyber Monday, so outlandish geotargeting-based marketing claims must be, as well. For example, if your usual ads indicate there are “hundreds of girls near you” available to a user from Ismay, Montana, on the main dating/hookup site you promote, go ahead and bump that number up to “thousands” or even “millions.” Sure, it’s total bullshit, but nobody else puts any critical thinking into evaluating the amazing deals offered to them on Black Friday or Cyber Monday, so why would a guy who is already actively spanking his monkey?

Implementing these ideas should help make your post-Thanksgiving gold rush more profitable than ever before. I’ll have more suggestions for you in December, just in time for the biggest, best gift-giving day of them all. (I’m speaking, of course, of Pancha Ganapati.)

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