LOS ANGELES – It’s December again, which means — in addition to worse-than-usual traffic and egregious playing of Christmas music at every shopping mall — ’tis the season for new Christmas porn releases from everybody’s favorite adult entertainment studios.
Here’s a quick rundown of some of the most promising releases slated to street in the next couple weeks.
I Saw Mommy Sucking Santa Claus (Irritable Angel): Each vignette pairs mouthwatering MILF Mina Pause with a fat guy wearing a Santa suit and a prosthetic white beard. If that’s not reason enough to put this title on your wish list, don’t forget about the DVD extras, which include incisive behind-the-scenes interviews with the film’s director and Irritable owner Colin H. Wallace, who was completely hammered on too-strong eggnog throughout the filming.
Cum All Ye Faithful (Zero Balance): Less of a “Christmas porn release” than a cumshot compilation with holiday-themed title screens interspersed between clips. The highlight of the movie comes in the third scene, when porn studs Manuel Labor and Robert Baggedmani try to execute a double-facial on co-star Oxy Gin but completely miss her face, instead awkwardly ejaculating on each other’s inner thigh. A close second in the race for the movie’s best moment is the inspired choice of using a Christmas wreath made of pubic hair for the final title screen.
Carol With The Balls (Smoking Butterfly): Undoubtedly the best TS/TV title among this year’s Christmas releases, Carol With The Balls is also the only TS/TV title among this year’s Christmas releases. Somewhat cliché and offensive in its use of stereotypes and deeply insulting terms like “trannie” and “she-male” and “Republican senator,” the movie is still worth watching for TS/TV fans, so long as they wait until it’s on a tube site where it can be seen for free — which should happen by noon on the movie’s street date.
Hark the Herald Angel’s Sting (Digital Iniquities): In an unusual twist on the typical Christmas-porn tale, Santa goes down the chimney of the wrong house and winds up being severely punished for his intrusion by Mistress Humbug, the viciously cruel daughter of Master Scrooge. With milk and cookies sitting just inches from his tightly bound hands, old St. Nick is subjected to everything from tickling and light spanking to “candy-caning” and hot wax dripping from green and red candles.
We Three Kinks of Orient Arse (Fourth World Media): Instead of frankincense and myrrh, these dirty-minded magi bring anal beads and lube. Starring Sofia Putana, Eva Mendoes, Domee Lovato and two unidentified performers in non-sex roles who might plausibly claim Asian heritage, We Three Kinks of Orient Arse is every bit as hot as it is authentic and culturally sensitive.
He Came Upon My Midnight Rear (Bootyfull Films): With an all-star cast of big butt beauties like Paloma Oklahoma, B.K. Orangefence and Daja Stephens, this movie really puts the ass in Christmass. Fans of facial cumshots might be disappointed by the fact every drop of semen emitted lands on a bodacious backside, but admirers of big butts, guys in bright red fat suits, anal sex and silk stockings hung with care will enjoy watching this one any time of year. I do have one small critique, though: In the pegging sequence, Santa keeps telling the girls how “nice” they are, but in last year’s Bootyfull Christmas release, All I Want for Christmas is Two Big Cheeks, Santa tells the girl who pegs him in the relevant scene she’s “going on the naughty list for sure.” Come on now, Bootyfull: Is a little Christmas-porn conceptual continuity so much to ask?
Guy Hard With A Men-gence (Stallion Style Entertainment): Much like the mainstream film on which this gay porn parody is based, viewers likely will argue from its release date through the end of time as to whether this movie should qualify as a “Christmas movie.” Setting aside that question, however, there’s no debate the action-packed final scene pairing Loose Willis and Allan Prickman is hotter than an office building on fire. Having them pound each other’s asses while rolling around on a bed of broken glass is an especially nice touch.
