By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT
RAY CITY, Ga. – Every year around this time, I gather with my family and loved ones to reflect on the bounty God has bestowed upon us, take stock of our many blessings and eat one or more enormous, genetically-engineered birds, just as the Founding Fathers did.
This year, I believe we have more to be thankful for than ever before, especially that the dignity and honor of the White House will soon be restored, because this year the American people wisely elected the most decent, God-fearing, pussy-grabbing, thrice-married casino owner the Good Lord ever created.
Donald Trump isn’t the only thing I’m thankful for, mind you, because 2016 was simply filled with good news, as well as undeniable signs of God’s retribution against sinners, pornographers, homosexuals and other “progressive” types.
I’m sure a lot of your smut-minded musical people regarded the deaths of the artist formerly known as Prince and the artist consistently known as David Bowie to be terrible, tragic events. The truth is, the very existence of these gender-bending pop-music freaks undermined the Lord’s protection of America, leading to a series of horrible national calamities, like 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and return of Keith Olbermann to professional punditry.
Now, some might think it terribly un-Christian to be thankful for the deaths of other people, but anyone who feels this way has clearly never seen this picture of David Bowie, or heard the lyrics to “Animal Kingdom” by Prince. And don’t even get me started on Leonard Cohen, the man who ruined the exclamation “Hallelujah” by turning it into a four-minute whine about getting tied to a kitchen chair, an act doubtlessly perpetrated by some heathen dominatrix he met when he was “taking” either Manhattan or Berlin.
To many of my fellow anti-porn crusaders, the defeat of California’s Proposition 60 came as bad news, but I read the situation differently. To me, this outcome is a clear signal of God’s intent to kill porn performers off in a way that can’t be blamed on anybody but themselves — and maybe the studios for which they work, the lawyers they retain and the whole of the Democratic party, as well.
True, the California Republican party joined the state’s Democrats in opposing Prop 60, but I think this just proves they’re smart, just as our new commander in chief was smart not to pay income taxes while operating a self-dealing charitable foundation that raised funds in New York without first obtaining a permit to do so.
Personally, I believe the California GOP did want Prop 60 to fail, but not for any of the reasons they provided publicly. I think the California GOP wanted the measure to be voted down because they know Democrats learn about sex not by reading the Bible, but by watching pornography.
With all these democrats being encouraged to engage in unsafe sex with pool delivery boys and pizza repairmen, soon America’s remaining liberals will be dropping like flies from a variety of Satan-spawned STDs. Hopefully, by the time 2020 rolls around, there won’t be enough of them left in existence to effectively oppose a second term for our God-granted Trump administration.
Our blessings this year have been too many to count, but there’s one more I would be truly remiss to omit from my admittedly abridged list: the rise of feminist porn.
This probably sounds very strange coming from someone who is on record calling for all porn to be banned and who believes every single feminist out there is a personal emissary of Satan himself, but before you judge me for taking this position on feminist porn, please hear me out.
In much the same way people intuitively knew Donald Trump was merely engaging in “locker room talk” when he mentioned casually seizing women by their reproductive organs whenever it struck his fancy, but also understood Hillary Clinton had committed a crime against God and nature when she referred to Trump supporters as “deplorable,” I believe feminist porn is what it will take to make a lot of men realize just how evil all pornography is.
As hard as it might be for a man to think there’s anything wrong with the kind of blowjob one sees in a typical gonzo title, imagine how dismayed they’ll be to watch feminist porn and not see any dick-sucking at all, much less dick-sucking done by a woman who spends 42 minutes on her knees sucking 14 different dicks until they spew semen all over her face.
Imagine the horror — nay, the sheer outrage — when porn-watching men find out what it’s like when women experience real, genuine sexual pleasure, as opposed to not-so-convincingly pretending they absolutely adore having two penises stuck up their rectum at the same time.
What about feminist lesbian porn, you ask? Well, forget about outrage, because there’s going to be pure, unmitigated panic when straight men everywhere realize a woman can not only experience sexual pleasure without having two penises in her butt, but she can even experience such pleasure without a penis being anywhere in the entire building!
So yes, I am thankful for feminist porn, the slippery slope down which the porn industry will slide on its way to total cultural irrelevance — assuming all that unsafe sex doesn’t kill it off first, that is.
Abigail Cuthbert is the president and co-founder of the Ray City, Georgia, chapter of Free Righteous United Intelligent Trustworthy Caring Americans Killing Exploitation (FRUITCAKE), the anti-porn organization formerly known as the National Unitarian Temple for Justice Optimism and Brotherhood (NUTJOB).
