LEBANON, Kan. – These days, a lot of people are writing about women and porn: whether women like porn, what kind of porn women like, women’s best recipes for gluten-free porn, stories from their youngest porn’s first day at school, that sort of thing.

This is great, because obviously we all benefit from knowing 10 revealing facts about women’s porn habits, especially when parts of the 10-item list have basically nothing to do with women’s porn habits, like “porn has been around since the Paleolithic period, and yes, it was conducted on cave walls.”

As we celebrate the fact women are increasingly consuming porn, however, I think it’s important we not lose sight of the fact many of porn’s most committed and passionate viewers are men — many of whom haven’t been indicted yet, let alone convicted, so presumably they can still access pornography wherever they happen to be right now.

To help remind people #MaleArousalMatters, I’ve composed a list of my own.

10 revealing facts about the porn habits of men

 
10. Men watch porn, even in their sleep. Everybody knows men watch a lot of porn, but did you know that, because of a common deformity in our brains, men who have watched porn even once are from that point forward always watching porn inside their minds, no matter what they might be doing with their bodies at the time? This is why when women talk to men, men never remember what those women said. Because of our prior (and continuing) porn use, the portion of men’s memory that otherwise would recall things women say has been dedicated to imagining all those same women having sex with each other in preparation for having sex with us.

9. Men don’t pay for porn unless they have to. Just like women, men don’t like to pay for porn. Some people blame porn “tube” sites for this, but in truth, men have never liked paying for porn — or paying for anything else, for that matter. Sometimes men find themselves in remote, WiFi-free locations, however, like stretches of Kansas just outside Lebanon, so in order to view porn, they are forced to do humiliating and terribly inconvenient things, like go into Casey’s General Store and purchasing a copy of Cosmopolitan, which we erroneously believed was Hustler because it was wrapped in black plastic.

8. Porn Origins. We’ve been over this one before: Porn has been around since the first time some hairy, hunched-over proto-human first managed to scrawl a picture of his own cock on the wall of his mother’s cave.

7. Men don’t care about the self-esteem of others, in porn or anywhere else. Unlike women, men just don’t give a shit about feelings, even those of the women whose feelings they have to care about in order to avoid being yelled at for six hours after dinner. We care about it even less when we’re watching porn, because the last thing on our mind during a bukkake video is “This unbelievable jism-laden degradation is hot and all, but is it really ‘empowering’ to have 37 loads of semen dumped on one’s face?”

6. Who’s looking at their hair, for fuck’s sake? Apparently, the “average” porn star is a brunette, while the stereotypical porn star has blonde hair. You know what, though? Neither of them has hair on her tits.

5. The most popular roles in porn. Butterhorns probably, or maybe King’s Hawaiian. Definitely not baguettes; the crust on those things is liable to shatter your fucking teeth if you’re not careful, and nobody wants to jerk off to a toothless porn star.

4. What kind of porn men like. Men like porn that is conveniently accessible in a wide variety of situations and environments, especially when they’re stuck outside Lebanon, Kan., with nothing but a copy of Cosmopolitan to work with and even the article about “12 Amazing Sex Moves that will Amaze Your Man” doesn’t really show anything.

3. Male porn executives out-earn female performers. Seriously: You think the performers are the ones making real money in porn? That’s precious.

2. Men get aroused by anything. I don’t need to read a study by somebody named “Meredith” to know men can be aroused by goddamn anything — including their pants chafing their thighs while standing in an elevator with a woman who is not exactly attractive, per se, but looks just enough like the chick who plays “Lily” in the AT&T commercials that you can imagine it is her and further imagine the elevator is going to get stuck, at which point she’s clearly going to blow you, because this is a man’s brain I’m talking about here. Or maybe it’s a dude in the elevator when your pants start chafing, and he looks just enough like Matthew McConaughey that you can imagine holding him down and skull-fucking him to get back at him for those stupid Buick commercials.

1. Don’t know what porn to watch? Ask your penis. Men don’t really need a lot of advice or input when deciding what porn to watch, because our penis can be relied upon to offer the only feedback we really need. (Say what you will, but it sure beats having to watch Oprah.)