BRIDGETOWN, Barbados – One of the undeniably great things about the Bible is that it’s filled with striking imagery, powerful symbolism and highly unexpected analogies.

1 Thessalonians 5:2 tells us, for example, the Lord “will come like a thief in the night.” I’ve never been sure about the connection between the Lord and ejaculating burglars, but I must admit the passage paints a vivid picture in my mind.

Something has happened to Christian theologians over the centuries. They’re just not nearly as good at making helpful, explanatory analogies these days.

The good Reverend Haynesley Griffith, for example, recently penned a column called “The Pornography Sniper,” which fares well in the striking imagery department but comes up well short of the “thief in the night” standard as spiritual analogies go.

“Porn in all of its forms is a sneaky, slimy, subtle ‘sniper’ that has a way of unearthing mankind’s animal nature and luring many into its web of wickedness. Then with a slow and persistent strangling hold, it moves in for the kill,” Griffith wrote, evidently a tad confused about how snipers actually go about killing things.

(Hint: they don’t call certain guns “sniper rifles” because they are popular among people who go around strangling the life out of things.)

Carrying on with his perplexing metaphor, Griffith added: “Numerous marriages and families have not been able to resist the alluring and secret nature of this enemy of family life, and because of its infecting power, many have suffered premature death.”

Porn’s “infecting power,” eh? Evidently, porn isn’t merely a sniper; it’s a sniper who has contracted Ebola.

OK, I’m hooked. Tell me more, Rev!

“A multiplicity of reasons can be identified for a spouse giving pornography an opportunity to secretly charm him or her into its attractive cesspool.”

Wait just one minute here…. I thought the sniper was luring me into a “web of wickedness,” not an “attractive cesspool.” What constitutes an attractive cesspool, exactly? I’ve known cesspools to be many things, including smelly, algae-filled and tepid, but “attractive” is not an adjective I typically associate with cesspools.

Sorry Rev, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just got a bit confused by that one. Please continue.

“Once in its strong, seductive arms, this sniper will then progressively proceed to suck every ounce of moral juice out of you, your marriage, wider family and other relationships.”

So…. the Ebola-infected porn sniper is a vampire now, too? What is this, Biblical Twilight all of a sudden?

Still, I think I’m following along pretty well. So far, we know porn is a sniper/spider/vampire infected with Ebola, who lies in wait in a web, which is in turn found inside an attractive cesspool, wherein I will be hugged seductively by this arachnid vampire, who sucks the life out of my marriage—and probably ruins my meticulously maintained lawn while he’s at it, the heartless fucking bastard.

There is some good news, however: The porn sniper/spider/vampire/cesspool-dweller/Ebola patient isn’t invincible. He (or is it she?) can be defeated, and you’ll never guess how.

“You have been given the freedom of choice; you can choose not to allow your animal nature to nurture you, your eyes to entice you, or pride to propel you,” Griffith wrote.

I can? I guess maybe this sneaky, slimy, subtle sniper/spider/vampire isn’t all he’s cracked up to be, eh?

“Without your cooperation, the pornography sniper becomes powerless to release its deadly poison into the arteries of your marriage, family and other relationships.”

Fuck me! Porn is a poisonous Ebola-infected sniper/spider/vampire now? In other words, while he is sucking the life out of me, the sniper is also injecting me with poison and giving me Ebola, just in case it can’t suck hard enough to get the job done that way?

It’s OK; I’m not going to panic here, because the reverend did say the sniper becomes powerless without my cooperation. This seems odd for a sniper, as it’s my understanding they usually shoot people without the cooperation of their target. But this guy is a Reverend, after all, which means he’s hip to The Truth.

“Fortunately, the greatest lethal power against this despicable means of sexual satisfaction is the power of God,” the reverend noted.

Oh good. God is definitely a badass. I read all about that in the Bible too. He does not fuck around. Mess with Him and He might just flood your whole fucking planet. (Also: Don’t fall asleep around him, or he might spooge on you in the middle of the night.)

“I know of husbands and wives who said that they were stripped of their dignity and self-worth because of porn, but regained their self-respect, sanity and spouses by praying and asking God to destroy the craving for porn in their lives, and He did,” according to Griffith.

Right on: God > sniper/spider/vampire. I feel so much better now!

Like a Godly version of Jerry Springer, Rev. Griffith leaves us with a Final Thought.

“Make no room for the pornography sniper; destroy it!”

OK, to sum up: Porn is a sniper/spider/vampire, infected with Ebola, who keeps his web inside an attractive cesspool. He’s poisonous, seductive and a good hugger, but he’ll suck the life out of us and inject us with poison—but only if we let him, and even if we do, God will kill the sniper, but only if we ask Him to.

Just one question, Reverend: Can we skip a few steps here? I mean, as I understand all of this, God is planning on eventually breaking into my place at night to jerk off anyway, so can’t He just kill the porn-sniper while He’s at it?

I promise the porn-sniper will be easy to find, because I always keep my attractive cesspools in the cabinet directly underneath the kitchen sink….