By Kris Kringle
Special Contributor
THE NORTH POLE – As the chosen symbol (however incongruous) of a Christian holiday, my stocking-stuffer list for people in the adult entertainment industry traditionally has been a short and simple one: coal, for one and all.
I mean, what did you expect from me, realistically? The title here is Saint Nicholas, not Director of Anal Content Acquisition Nicholas.
I must admit, though, in recent decades some of my annual stinginess toward the skin trade has been more personal than moral in nature.
Look, between you and me, I only take this whole Christian thing so far. Santa’s no prude. Don’t tell Mrs. Kringle, but I’ve been known to make a quick pit stop at Sapphire on my way back to Christmas Village after finishing my deliveries on the big night.
As for my animosity toward the porn industry, I’m just sick of all these wannabe Santas in their overstuffed red suits and obviously fake white beards doing Christmas-themed porn shoots every fucking year like it’s an original idea. Enough already! Wait ’til Easter and pick on the fucking rabbit for once.
Anyway, this year I’ve decided to make like Pope Francis with The Gays and mend fences with you pervs in the porn industry. Instead of filling a dirty gym sock with Kingsford briquettes and dropping it on your front lawn as I fly over, I’m going to deliver a few gifts to brighten your holiday season.
I know it’s not exactly traditional to tell people what you’re giving them for Christmas, but there’s nothing traditional about any other aspect of this unprecedented generosity I’m showing to you smut-slingers, either.
For instance, there’s no way I’m climbing down the chimney into your homes, Porno People. I’m just offering a small olive branch here, not staying for cookies and milk. I’ve seen the sort of sick shit you people do with your food.
Also, please bear in mind when the mailman, FedEx guy or telegram singer shows up with your gift, you should not immediately assume this means the two (or more) of you are about to have sex. Maybe that’s how things work in Porn Valley with the pizza guy, the plumber or the pool boy, but trust me: In this case, the delivery person will be there only to drop off a literal package.
With those Christmas caveats in mind, here’s what Santa has in his bag for a select few of you purveyors of soul-numbing filth, your manifest naughtiness notwithstanding.
Steve Hirsch: I suffered the gift-giver’s usual conundrum: What do you get the man who has (tried) everything (to attract attention to his brand)? I racked my brain and came up with something you can’t buy in any store: a disgraced quasi-celebrity who will actually accept an offer to perform in Vivid’s movies. I don’t want to spoil things by saying which quasi-celebrity, but I’ll give you a hint: She’s been on two reality TV series and once dated a guy who plays in the NBA Development League, so we’re talking about someone with serious cachet here.
The Free Speech Coalition: I’m sure what you would like more than anything is a generous donation, but a cash gift is not how Santa rolls. I thought about having that Weinstein goof whacked on your behalf, but somehow it just didn’t feel very Christmas-y, you know? I finally settled on buying you a few state senators and an L.A. City Councilperson or two. I know, I know, it’s kind of a cheap gift, but we’re really not very close, and something practical just felt right for my holiday offering.
British VOD Companies: In light of recent legislative developments in your neck of the woods, you folks get a choice: a) American citizenship and a one-way trip to Las Vegas, or b) 4,500 crates of Astroglide.
Pornhub: For the porn industry’s most internally beloved and never controversial brand, I will provide a bevy of gullible mainstream journalists and bloggers who will lap up any bullshit statistic and farcical “analysis” you slap together in a press release. Wait…what? Somebody else clearly got this gift for you last year? Fuck it. A cheese-and-sausage basket from Cracker Barrel it is, then.
Shit, I gotta run. We’re getting down to crunch time around here, and I’m stuck doing last-minute flight training for a couple of rookie reindeer. Ol’ Donner just put in his retirement papers, and Ruldolph has the trots. I guess the rest of you sleazy bastards will just have to wait until Christmas Day to find out what you have coming.
Oh, and one more thing: Just because you work in the porn industry and any gift you receive may have a hole in it, this does not mean you are compelled to stick your dick through said hole, take pics and tweet them to your followers.
Seriously: Pull that shit and it’s right back to coal for you come next year.
Love,
Santa
