By Jimbo Garrison
Guest Columnist

BRISTOL, Conn. – Consider this your wake-up call, porn industry. Today I will peel back the curtain on a conspiracy of epic proportions, one which will shake the very foundation of government, industry and well-attended theme parks across this great nation.

While everybody else has been busy poking fun at ESPN draft analyst Gerry Hamilton for “accidentally” tweeting a link to a video on Pornhub, I’ve been doing my civic duty by questioning the Official Story.

What might seem at first glance a simple digital faux pas is in truth a coordinated campaign to engage in mass hypnosis and mind control of the American sports-watching public on a scale not seen since the 1980s. (I’m referring, of course, to the well documented history of the collaboration between the CIA and Wendy’s on a highly effective pro-war propaganda campaign code-named “Where’s the Beef?”)

Think about it: Out of all the billions of porn video URLs a smut-surfing ESPN analyst might have on his clipboard at any given time, Hamilton just happens to cut, paste and tweet a Pornhub URL? I think not. Clearly, this mistake was an intentional, made-for-viral over-share.

To what end? Prepare to follow me down the rabbit hole. Together, we’ll “take the red pill” and dive into a web of intrigue so intricate, it could only be truly, fairly and accurately represented in a movie in which I’m played by Kevin Costner.

Since I don’t, strictly speaking, have the resources to fund such a movie myself, and Kickstarter is clearly part of the Illuminati, you’ll have to settle for this written account. Take screen shots, copy this text, share it with friends and otherwise archive this post, because no doubt it will soon be removed from the internet by the very people whose conspiracy I’m about to uncover.

As nobody can deny, ESPN is part of the Disney entertainment empire, and just like the “empire” in a certain movie franchise Disney recently acquired, Disney is evil.

Personally, I don’t need any additional evidence of the company’s sinister nature than the contours of its founder’s Mephistophelean mustache, but since skeptics always demand proof, here’s my highly credible source, which provides detailed evidence of Disney’s association with all things dark and wicked, from the occult to stepmothers. (If you dispute my source’s authority, by the way, there’s only one reasonable conclusion we can draw: You, too, are part of the conspiracy.)

Having established Disney as a force for the side of darkness, the next thing you need to understand is the intricate interplay between sports, porn, energy drinks, aliens, senators, cartoons, propaganda and power. I’m going to assume you already understand this intricate interplay, however, because I’m starting to lose my train of thought and I need to get back to the ESPN porn tweet guy.

The name “Gerry Hamilton” has 13 letters, a number often associated with bad luck, but also associated with both Dan Marino and Kurt Warner, two zealously religious ex-quarterbacks with polar-opposite belief systems and very different approaches to expressing their faiths. Both had a lightning-fast release and impressive throwing accuracy, true, but Warner is an outspoken Christian while Marino is a surreptitious Satanist.

Tweeting the Pornhub link was a signal to both Marino and Warner, neither of whom are consciously aware of receiving the signal, because this is a classic Manchurian Candidate situation here. In addition to being ex-quarterbacks, Marino and Warner are genetically manipulated “sleeper” agents, programmed by the Reptilians to serve as messengers to their respective flocks once the Reptilians have decided to trigger the End of Days.

I know what you’re thinking: Wasn’t the End of Days supposed to happen Dec. 21, 2012? The answer is yes—and this is exactly what makes Hamilton’s tweet so terrifying.

Everything happening now was indeed originally scheduled for Dec. 21, 2012. The Mayans knew it, the producers of Ancient Aliens knew it. Hell, even Dan Aykroyd knew it.

What the 2012 cognoscenti didn’t know, however, is a cosmic, bureaucratic wrench had been thrown into the gears of The Apocalypse.

Under the complex Apocalyptic Alien Administrative Law adhered to by the Reptilians, they cannot undertake the complete and comprehensive subjugation of the human race until and unless humans have fully descended into the sort of moral cesspool envisioned by certain Talmudic prophets (who were themselves among the early generations of humans created by the extraterrestrial Anunnaki, of course).

Faced with the dilemma of an insufficiently perverse human population, several years ago the Reptilians decided to accelerate a covert enterprise they’ve had going since the early ’90s: Operation Hairy Palms.

For more than 25 years, the Reptilians have intentionally driven humanity to greater depths of sexual depravity, all in furtherance of a diabolical scheme to defraud mankind of its liberty, free will and strategic reserves of semen.

That’s right, internet pornographers: You might have thought you were being rebellious and clever by using the Web to disseminate your filthy wares, but the truth is you were merely unwitting pawns of your Reptilian overlords the whole time.

With their operation running badly behind schedule, the Reptilians scratched the Dec. 21, 2012 date long ago, refocusing their attention on the urgent need to speed up the collective moral corruption of the global human populace.

Despite the tireless efforts of the Reptilian Liberal Media to come up with reasons to write about Pornhub, Operation Hairy Palms remains slightly behind schedule even now. Enter Gerry Hamilton and his “accidental” tweet, which has spread like wildfire…or is it like hellfire, perhaps?

Go ahead and scoff, all ye skeptics, but if you think it’s coincidence to see Pornhub in the news in a way that provokes the Muslim world, at the same time they’re going around speaking of numbers and signs while simultaneously summoning new followers via a misunderstood Twitter prophet who specializes in “recruiting,” then all I can say is I hope what I’ve heard about ignorance and bliss is true.

I’m not taking any chances, myself. Word to the wise: Beware 12/21/2015!

Whatever approach to cowing and culling the human race the Reptilans choose, from aphids to zombies, I’m going to be ready. I’m stockpiling food, water (regular and Holy), Mountain Dew, silver-plated ammunition, crosses, batteries, wooden stakes, tinfoil, toilet paper, penicillin and garlic.

You, too, must choose. Will you passively accept the yoke of Reptilian tyranny or join the resistance? If ye be with me, tweet it loud, tweet it proud: #NoReptilianPornOverlords!