BURNS, Ore. – Militant militiaman Jon Ritzheimer’s video tirade about “a box of dicks” had less to do with his distaste for so-called hate mail than with a legitimate concern about lack of lubrication causing painful insertion.
Thankfully, irreverent game designer Max Temkin knows a desperate situation when he sees one. In response to Y’all Qaeda’s urgent appeal for supplies and the apparent abundance of sex toys the gentlemen have … ahem … in hand, Temkin did what any humanitarian would have done: He sent a 55-gallon drum of lube to Ritzheimer and his merry band of antigovernment men patriots assholes holed up inside Oregon’s Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.
The drum contains $2,500-worth of XR Brands’ water-based Passion Lubricants.
According to XR Brands Director of Sales and Marketing Rebecca Weinberg, “Passion Lubricants’ 55-gallon drum makes it easy to host wrestling matches and impressive orgies without running out of this sex essential, and nothing says ‘sex party’ quite like a desolate building filled with armed and entitled adult men.”
God bless America.
Temkin, 28, and his cohorts at Cards Against Humanity have given hundreds of thousands of dollars to various worthy causes since earning an estimated $12 million in the first two years after releasing the notoriously politically incorrect card game. The group funded the game’s development with a 2011 Kickstarter campaign that raised more than $15,000, significantly surpassing the goal of $4,000. In December 2015, the CAH guys raised another $1.5 million (goal $54,450) for their current game project, Secret Hitler.
They may want to send a beta version to the fun-loving gang in Oregon. Once the comrades patriots domestic terrorists are finished screwing around, they’d probably get a kick out of it.
“We sell a lot of lube, but this might be our most memorable transaction to date,” Weinberg said of Temkin’s thoughtful gift. “A 55-gallon drum of Passion Lubricants goes a long way, and Temkin was smart to choose our water-based variety. It’s compatible with all of the lovely dildos and dongs the Oregon militiamen have received and will assure a slick and smooth experience for all involved.”
Temkin took to Twitter to wish Occupy Malheur the best:
With all that lube, they’ll be shooting something, Max. You might want to stand out of that line of fire, too.
