“Nobody is who they claim to be.”

“Everybody is lying about something.”

“He never believed for a minute that he was really talking with a minor.”LK should have known better. He certainly knew an impressive number of important things related to BDSM: what chat rooms to visit, how to introduce himself to prospective play partners, which books to recommend, how safe words work, why consent matters, where to meet in public before playing, and how to use condoms, gloves, butt plugs, and enema bottles when the play goes beyond spanking… But somehow it never occurred to him to ask, just for the hell of it, if the hot chat partner he was setting up a sexy spanking date with really WAS only 14 like “she” claimed online — and he unsuccessfully testified in front of a jury that he had never believed.

Truth or lie, LK was right. There was no 14-year-old pseudo chat room slang slinging high school soccer playing naughty Nabokov schoolgirl wannabe. There was a male FBI agent using an AOL adult fetish chat room, an IM program, and a photo of his own daughter to lure adults he thought might like to literally and illegally fulfill their fantasies of sensually spanking a misbehaving “girl.”

None of the women who took the stand to recount their time with the ass and spanking obsessed traveler looked underage — or likely to be mistaken for underage even by the most visually impaired observer. Regardless of whether they had ever put their hair in pig tails, worn a white top and dark skirt, or placed themselves trustingly across his knees for a spanking; full breasts, wide hips, and ripe asses were the norm for this cross section of his lengthy history of playing fanny smacking games while on the road. Each nervous witness was fully a woman, and had been for some time.

Varying degrees of inexperience and exploration also seemed to be a common bond – as did personal online experience with people claiming to be other than they truly proved to be. Even LK reported considerable experience with this phenomena — which only highlights the importance of making sure that the presumed owner of the eager bottom or other savory but decidedly over-18-years-of-age-only body part being offered from across the private chat room belongs to someone old enough to actually seal the deal.

In this case, of course, it did. It belonged to the aforementioned lying FBI agent; the only denizen hanging out in that adult-only chat room for kinky grown-ups who was pretending to be under age. What all of the other people in the room were pretending to is unknown, but this is a certainty. Ultimately, though, whether LK was hanging out in an adult chat room hoping to finally be able to spank and sodomize a semi articulate teeny bopper while on business is less important than the fact that a jury concluded that he did – and a federal prosecutor successfully encouraged them to think precisely that… thanks largely to chat transcripts and a jury’s ignorance — or fear of outing itself by possessing knowledge about BDSM, online hook-ups, and other very mature forms of modern dating and sexuality.

Hiring articulate, presentable, and well-informed expert witnesses (such as myself, in this case), constructing a solid case, and finding an open-minded jury are all wonderful elements of a successful defense of genuine innocence – but dodging trouble in the first place is even better. While the ubiquitous “they” may indeed ultimately get the ubiquitous “us” if “they” really want to, “we” can make it more difficult … by using common sense and good manners.

If you travel, don’t prepare for each trip by hanging out in the chat rooms looking for a pick-up. Yeah, that’ll satisfy the sweet tooth, but it’s a little creepy. Better long term planning might include learning about the city you’re visiting and seeking out the BDSM/leather/fetish/blahblahblah community. Find out what leather events are taking place and attend some. Good impressions at a munch or other gathering can lead to play dates – and you’ve enjoyed yourself, had a memorable social outing, met new people, and expanded your network of contacts for all kinds of experiences, erotic and otherwise. When people know people, it’s easier to confirm that the misspelled words appearing on your monitor belong to a “real person” and not an FBI agent hungry to use your friendly perversion to make an utterly unrelated legal point.

No matter where you live or meet your play partners, be who you claim to be – at least long enough to make it clear you’re legally and intellectually capable of negotiating to do the wonderfully depraved things that you’re talking about. You can always go back into role once everybody understands that’s what it is. Clearly request that whoever you’re negotiating with online provide you with a name and an age and physical description that will match the one they will bring to your encounter. If nothing else, should things turn out to be other than were claimed, you’ve got it in “writing” that you tried to extract the information and showed good faith by doing so yourself.

Pretending to be puppies, kitties, horsies, innocent girls, curious boys, or other emotive characters that can’t give legal consent is fun – but actually hooking up with them for sexual contact is illegal; thus, not fun. Depending on how good one’s online negotiations and chat transcripts are, in a court of law, the distinction might well become meaningless – so get it in writing, folks.

And, for your own sake, if you can’t come out of the closet, at least prop the door open so some light and air can get inside. Nothing makes it easier for marginalized populations to be backed into a corner than fear of discovery. Not everybody needs to know everything about everyone, but the fewer things are kept as deep dark secrets, the fewer things are available to bully and intimidate others.