LOS ANGELES – While Cherie DeVille’s announcement of her campaign for the White House in 2020 is garnering media attention for its perceived novelty, in truth there’s nothing particularly new about a porn star throwing her (possibly cum-stained) hat into the campaign ring.
We all remember Mary Carey’s 2003 bid to become Governor of California, right? Or maybe we don’t, considering what a celebrity shit-show that entire thing was, involving everyone from Gary “Whatchoo Talkin’ About” Coleman to a nearly incomprehensible former bodybuilder and action movie star with a penchant for having illegitimate children with his housekeepers.
At any rate, even in the context of a lame, tired porn-publicity stunt like announcing three years ahead of the election you’re running for office, DeVille’s nascent campaign is stunningly unoriginal, right down to her Trump-echoing, porn-parody-flavored campaign slogan, “Make America Fucking Awesome Again.”
DeVille would have us believe this is a real campaign, a serious attempt to make a go at winning the White House and not a mere publicity stunt – a claim somewhat undermined by naming as her running mate a guy with a felony gun charge on his wrong-kind-of-“rap”-sheet.
To be honest, it’s a bit unclear to me whether felons are permitted to serve in a national office like Vice President of the U.S. as a matter of law (state laws vary on this point, it seems) but in the current climate, I should think a Democrat with gun charges on his sheet might have some difficulty passing the ideological litmus test on the left end of the political spectrum.
Maybe I’m being too harsh though; maybe DeVille and Coolio have ideas with merit. Maybe they have serious qualifications for which I’m not giving them credit.
“If our criteria now for becoming a political official is minor celebrity, I have that,” DeVille said. “I feel like I can be potentially what I’m feeling the American people — for better or for worse — want, which is interesting news, scandalous news, you know, not ‘boring’ political news.”
OK, so much for DeVille. Maybe Coolio’s the one who brings true credibility on the issues to the DeVille/Coolio ticket?
“Somebody got to do something, man; somebody got to try,” Coolio opined in a surprisingly rhyme-free fashion. “We need normal people; we need normal regular everyday people in office.”
Ah yes, normal people – like a famous rapper with what looks like asparagus growing out of his head and one of the stars of Dirty Rotten Mother Fuckers 7.
Don’t fret, though. I’m sure both Coolio and DeVille have a firm grasp on the bong issues.
“I believe there truly is a Deep State,” Coolio said. “And I think there is a Deep, Deep State and nothing is what it seems.”
I suppose the good news is if “nothing is what it seems,” then this country might be in pretty good shape, politically speaking, despite all appearances to the contrary.
For her part, DeVille says she can deliver “what the American people really need.” And what is it the American people really need, you ask?
“A person with integrity and having someone listen to the people and actually care about America in public office,” DeVille explained.
That sounds pretty good, actually. Granted, it also sounds maddeningly vague, fundamentally meaningless and just the sort of painfully cliché thing everyone who has ever run for national office has said in one form or another, but it still sounds good.
Tell me more, Ms. Deville. (By the way, are you any relation to Cruella?)
“We’re voting for people as if we’re on a reality television show,” DeVille said, “and my concern is if we continue to purely vote for celebrities or political figures or the most entertaining, they’re not always going to be quality politicians.”
Uh, OK. But aren’t you just…
You know what, never mind. I fucking give up.
Images from their websites: Cherie DeVille (left) and Coolio
