OTTAWA, Canada – With the pressure building on U.S. soccer officials to impose some sort of discipline or penalty on the American squad’s starting goalkeeper Hope Solo, team officials announced today she will be replaced in the lineup for Friday’s game against China by a little-known backup keeper named Dream Girl-Girl.
“Hope has done a fantastic job in goal for team U.S., but I think her ongoing off-field issues simply became too great a distraction,” said a representative of the United States Soccer Federation, who asked to remain anonymous because he hasn’t been given permission to discuss the situation publicly. “Dream is a great keeper herself, though — and according to some new soccer-analytics metric called ‘Pornhub Stats,’ evidently she’s more popular among female fans, too.”
While activists who have been calling for Solo’s suspension are applauding the move, many fans, commentators and players complain the sudden imposition of discipline in the middle of the World Cup is both unfair and untimely.
“It’s not that I don’t like Girl-Girl, but when you’re expecting to see Solo back there between the pipes, it’s kind of a jolt to the system,” said Ken Burke, a diehard women’s soccer fan who made the trip to Canada all the way from his native Taos, NM. “In addition to being a great keeper, Solo really knows how to put on a show, especially when it comes to toying with the opposition. Sometimes, it’s almost like she’s teasing them, giving them a glimpse of what it would be like to score, but always frustrating them at the last second.”
Girl-Girl said she’s honored to take the field in such a big game and is looking forward to staring down the Chinese attack, which she expects to be “intense, sustained, vibrant and dual-pronged.”
“A lot of people think because we’re women, our games are going to be more dainty or reserved,” Girl-Girl said. “What they don’t know it’s a real catfight out there, and if you want to win, you have to really put your head down and focus on what it takes to lick the opposition.”
Although she’s a little nervous about the upcoming match, Girl-Girl said the quality of her defensive teammates gives her all the confidence she needs to face each shot and every dribble.
“I’ve always loved holding down the rear behind my best girlfriends here on team USA,” Girl-Girl said. “There’s just no better place to be than right behind them, especially when there’s penetration in the box and you know a big shot could come at any moment.”
EXZN soccer analyst Alexis Lalabalalabas said while he doesn’t expect Girl-Girl to have too much trouble with the Chinese attack, the playing surface could present some significant challenges.
“This entire tournament is being played on artificial turf, which can throw off your game no matter how much experience you have,” Lalabalalabas said. “You have to remember, every time she lays out for a save, she’s going to be doing some serious rug-diving in the process, so she might find herself munching carpet more than a few times in what promises to be a fast-paced session.”
Friederike Bauerbecken, the controversial former captain of the German women’s national team, said while she was “appalled” the USSF and FIFA allowed Solo to play in the first place, she’s also skeptical about whether Girl-Girl is up to the task in front of her.
“Everybody knows this so-called ‘Girl-Girl’ is really like a kind of fraud, or fantasy fiction,” Bauerbecken said. “These women are not actually lesbians. If they were, they wouldn’t have such long fingernails, there’d be at least some fisting and they wouldn’t make this ridiculous orgasm noise every time the other girl puts her face anywhere close to the clitoris. It takes some time to really make a woman cum, but the pigs who make these Girl-Girl substitutions don’t care because they have no appreciation for the beautiful game. They just want to sell tickets, make the people at Fox Sports happy and maybe to show people a few ads for live cam sites.”
