SAN FRANCISCO – Many years ago, an employer who was schooling me in the art of public relations told me: “It’s always better to be the one who pulls the pin on the hand grenade.”
My boss never really explained what pulling the pin was better than, exactly, but my assumption was he meant it was better than being the person at whom the grenade was to be hurled. It’s a pretty hard proposition to argue with, really — assuming the pin-puller doesn’t subsequently forget to toss the thing before it goes off.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the metaphorical PR hand grenade after seeing headlines saying XXX searches aren’t private and warning porn viewing habits could be leaked.
I’m not sure why media outlets are just now reflecting on a blog post from February, nor do I fully understand why anyone would feel compelled to reveal the porn surfing habits of people who aren’t public figures, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned over the years, it’s we must take seriously every cyber-threat, no matter how remote or overblown it might seem.
So, in the same spirit of the proven-effective defense policy of the preemptive strike against imminent arguable threats, I have come up with a proactive solution to the inevitable public revelation of our private porn-surfing habits. Let’s make May 2015 the inaugural edition of a new, annual tradition: National Preemptive Porn-Confession Month.
A bit like traditional “open mic” nights at comedy clubs, throughout National Preemptive Porn-Confession Month meeting halls and civic centers across the country will open their doors to brave souls willing to lead a nationwide group-confession. The purpose? To deprive hackers and extortionists of the primary tool of their trade: Shame.
Yes, it’s time to pull the pin on the internet porn grenade — a device that, despite its name, I assure you is not filled with human ejaculate.
Imagine how freeing it will be to turn to your peers and say “Yes, I watch Brazilian transsexual porn. What’s it to you, buddy?”
Just think how much weight will come off your shoulders when you confess to your employer that the video of a clown jerking off a dude in a rabbit suit on your company-owned phone is you engaging in cosplay, not evidence of hacking by North Korean cyer-terrorists as you originally asserted after accidentally sharing the video with the entire accounting department.
It’s easy to sit here and make this suggestion, but I’m going to go one further and get the ball rolling with an Internet Porn Confession of my own.
Now, to be clear, as someone who writes about the adult industry all the time, not all of the porn in my cache was downloaded for “personal use.” Some of this stuff was viewed strictly as a part of responsible, diligent and highly professional research.
To make it easy to discern the difference, I’ve annotated the following examples culled from my recent porn-related downloads. This way, there’s no confusion between my frequent research activities and the much rarer browsing for entertainment purposes. The exact names of files downloaded and text of search strings entered also are provided, to definitively prove I have nothing to hide.
Gaydoubleanal_facecum.mov, video file: Clearly, this video was downloaded as research for an as-yet-unpublished piece I wrote about some allegedly “unsafe” sex acts depicted in porn.
“Browser cache eraser, free download,” Google search: That this search directly follows my research-driven download of the aforementioned risky-sex video is a total coincidence.
MetArt.com, website: Yes, I took the free tour, but that’s it. The debit to my credit card account indicating otherwise is obviously the result of online fraud, so you’d better believe there’s a chargeback pending.
“Mila Kunis + anal,” Google search: I heard a rumor, OK? As a respected professional journalist, I absolutely owe it to my readers to follow every lead, no matter how little enjoyment I would derive from watching such a video.
“Mila Kunus + anal” and “Mela Coonis + anal” and “Milah Kunez + anal,” Google searches: Just being professionally thorough, folks. Again, this in no way reflects a desire on my part to actually watch the actress in question engage in anal sex.
“Redhead chick from that 70s show + anal,” Google search: Obviously, this search was performed just in case the Mila Kunis rumor was correct, but the name of the actress was wrong. Again, just a professional writer solemnly and near-soberly doing his due diligence.
Blowjob_pov_abugharib.mov, video file: This video wasn’t, in fact, obtained through “porn-surfing.” It was emailed to me years ago by a friend in the armed forces who wanted to prove things in Iraq weren’t going as poorly as the liberal media claimed. It’s on my laptop’s “recently viewed files” list in perpetuity because I’m very patriotic, so I watch this inspiring video every morning, right after reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Amputee_stumpfuck_asstomouth.mov, video file: Again, clearly research, in this case for a piece on the adult industry’s efforts to adhere to federal “equal opportunity employment” requirements and the particulars of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.
“Virus removal software,” Google search: This was highly necessary research, but it had nothing to do with my ongoing, responsible, professional and cautious inquiry into the important legal issue referenced above.
Striptease_bwhite_goldengurl_applesauce_vibroegg_insertion_vegas2010.mov,video file: This one probably shouldn’t be on this list at all, really. It’s a privately filmed video a close personal friend and I made several years ago during a trip to an adult industry trade event. The friend happens to be relatively well-known, and I would hate for it to come back to bite her (or him!) or negatively impact her (or his!) career in any way. Still, because this artistic collaboration could be construed by some people as “porn,” I would be remiss to omit its mention here.
“Clown + bunny suit + handjob,” Google search: Honestly, I don’t recognize this one at all, so I’m thinking it has something to do with Korean military officials hacking my employer’s proprietary server cloud.
See how easy that was? All you have to do is be a little courageous, candidly frank and completely honest and you’ll see there’s nothing to fear in sharing your most intimate sexual thoughts and fantasies — being sure to note any legitimate professional research you’ve been doing into the adult entertainment industry, naturally.
Sure, you’ll experience a little embarrassment and discomfort as a result of your Porn Confession, but won’t you feel much freer in the knowledge you’re depriving the web’s would-be erotic extortionists of their ammunition before they’ve had the chance to load their Shame Guns?
Come on, all you internet-porn-watchers out there: Say it loud and say it proud! Or if you prefer, tweet it to @YNOTdotcom under the irresistibly catchy hashtag #NationalPreemptivePornConfessionNight.
