There’s an old adage that holds in a good compromise both parties come away dissatisfied. It is according to that definition of “compromise” that I have been working on establishing a mutually unacceptable middle ground for the adult entertainment industry and various anti-porn forces within our society.

I figure it’s only fair that in exchange for the adult industry and its customers agreeing to certain infringements and intrusions on their First and Fourth Amendment rights, those calling for such constitutional concessions should have to give up some things they cherish as well.

For anti-porn feminists who say that pornography objectifies and encourages violence against women, I offer the following exchange: our industry will cease production of “extreme” porn and disavow use of the words “slut” and “whore” in our pornographic parlance, if your side will agree to drop the study of feminist authors like Monique Wittig, who in her book Les Guerilleres envisions a future utopia achieved, in large part, by way of killing all adult heterosexual men.

This seems fair to me. We give up depictions of rough sex that you find distasteful, along with use of some troublesome “dirty words,” and you stop pretending that certain feminist works of no discernable merit have sufficient literary value to be discussed in an academic setting. We’ll have a few meetings wherein representatives of “your side” specify the banned acts and terms, while our carefully selected “Committee of Sexist Pigs” will cross a few more hysterical feminist tomes from the list of books that are acceptable for the collegiate environment.

So what do you think, ladies? Pardon me! That question should read “What do you think, empowered Womyn of the world?”

For members of The Moral Majority, Focus on Family, and other support groups for the intellectually-challenged, I offer the following “tit for tat:” we’ll agree to put all our porn in password-protected areas and make every effort to eliminate distribution of free-of-charge pornography, if you will agree to take James Dobson’s radio show, Pat Robertson’s TV network, and other similar Christian broadcasts off the open airwaves and place them on subscription-only services that require age-verification.

It strikes me as appropriate that if we respond to your concerns about the corruption of youth, you should be required to respond to ours. I personally don’t want some irresponsible adult filling the heads of our youth with far-fetched fairy tales about talking snakes, virgin births, eternal damnation, or “The End Times” over the open airwaves. Such potentially dangerous, mentally-debilitating claptrap clearly should be reserved for display to consenting adults only!

For the politically correct – but not necessarily feminist – anti-porn Far Left, I propose a modest and productive swap: we will agree to require all performers to use condoms in our hardcore content, if you will agree to stop acting like you matter at all within the context of this country’s political landscape.

Honestly guys, you probably couldn’t get a Communist elected in Cuba, so just give up, go home, get stoned, and tune into something other than the news, which will only upset you and remind you of your political impotence. I recommend the Cartoon Network. Who knows; you might even recognize some of your own conspiracy theories being played out in an episode of Samurai Jack.

Finally, my proposal for anti-porn politicians of all stripes: we’ll agree to increase the minimum age for models appearing in sexually-explicit content to 21, if you will agree to retire to a location outside of the United States, revoke your citizenship, and convert to a religion that requires a vow of silence.

I should think the mutual benefits of this proposal are so obvious I needn’t explain it further.

I’m still working on solutions for other anti-porn forces, including anti-porn Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Scientologists, Buddhists, Rastafarians, and Seventh Day Adventists, and I’ll have to run this by “my people,” naturally, but overall, I’d say this is a good start down the Road to Compromise.

Forces of Decency and Defenders of American Morality, take note – my balls are in your court! I eagerly await your counter-proposals.