AUSTIN, TX — Rep. Ellen Cohen has decided that strip clubs need to cough up some extra tax revenue and if one way isn’t legal, she’ll just keep looking for ways that are. After all, according to Cohen, sexual assault services and low income health care need funding and who better to fund them than clubs that feature women removing garments to a driving rock of hip hop beat? The current $5-per-person club fee has languished in court ever since it was authorized in 2007, meaning that none of the funds raised have been distributed. A measure that sailed through the state House on Thursday and now must face the Senate will change all that by repealing what is technically a per-person club fee and replacing it with an outright admissions tax.

Submitted by Rep. Senfronia Thompson and supported by affected adult businesses, the switcho-chango law will allegedly release all of the previously collected funds to their assorted sexual assault agencies and begin collecting a 10-percent tax on admission fees charged by any and all adult businesses.

Critics of the bill complain that it won’t shake down businesses enough, pointing out that the likely illegal fee would raise a more guaranteed amount of money than the tax, because clubs could set minimal cover charges – or even allow patrons to enter the buildings for free, thus avoiding any contributions. Additionally, those defending the fee oppose the fact that have already paid the fee could count it as credit toward the new tax.

The flies in the fee-collecting ointment has been the First Amendment and the fact courts continue to rule that exotic dancing qualifies as a form of protected speech. Further, judges are increasingly demanding to see proof that a nexus exists between gentlemen’s clubs and a variety of social ills.

Cohen isn’t sitting back and letting Thompson steal any of her legislative thunder. Instead, she has collected dozens of co-authors on a replacement bill which would retain and lower the fee to $3, as a sign of compassion during a tough economy, and limit the recipients of the collected funds to sexual assault services.

Although the Cohen bill is still in committee and has not been released to the House for vote, its sponsor says she voted for Thompson’s bill, which passed with a 141-1 vote, but only as a supplement to her own; meaning that her goal is to charge clubs a fee for each person that enters their establishment and then charge clubs a tax on whatever entry charge they may or may not require of those patrons.

According to a recent study conducted by the University of Texas, a $3 fee would bring in between $16 and $18 million annually, whereas a 10-percent admissions tax would raise only $500,000 to $1.2 million.

Cohen addresses the legal and moral implications of her plan by opining that “What we need to do is make sure whatever we’re doing raises the most amount of money for the greatest good.”