CHATSWORTH, Calif. – In an announcement sure to elicit fierce yawns and aggressively ambivalent shoulder shrugs throughout the porn-viewing world, AVN revealed a certain washed-up former reality-TV cast member is still doing porn.
“Many predicted she would fade from porn stardom after one measly ass-fucked adventure, but they were wrong,” said E.Z. Lee Impresianado, a random adult industry spokesperson wearing a Hawaiian shirt and aviator sunglasses. “This young woman’s star is shining so brightly, she’s good for at least two more anal titles, maybe even a blowbang video or two.”
The young woman in question, who first achieved fame through the time-honored Path to American Exceptionalism of getting knocked-up while still attending high school, couldn’t be bothered to contribute a comment to the press release announcing her appearance at the upcoming AVN Adult Entertainment Expo (AEE) in Las Vegas.
“She has better things to do, like tanning, shoe-shopping and racking up moving violations in her Mercedes E63,” Impresianado said. “You know, she has such immense cachet, she might just have someone else sign her headshots at the AEE show, too. Don’t hate. That’s just how you do it when you’re a big deal reality-TV star turned Vivid Contract Girl Pseudo Celebrity Fuck-Puppet.”
Among other things, the former reality-TV star will be promoting her exclusive new line of specially-molded sex toys at the show, including the “Tushie Texter,” an advanced clitoral stimulator which also sports a broom handle-like appendage for anal insertion and a handy holster for one’s smartphone, offering hands-free texting during self-double-penetration.
“This device is a must-have for the busy, modern teenage mom,” Impresianado explained. “With the Tushie Texter, you can literally fuck yourself while telling others to do likewise. If that’s not empowering and liberating for young women, I don’t know what is.”
Impresianado denied rumors the former reality-TV star is dating Justin Bieber, Rob Gronkowski, Jay Z and Iggy Azalea all at once.
“Those claims are just scurrilous rumor, not at all true,” Impresianado said. “Yes, she hooked up with Bieber on his private jet, blew Jay Z at halftime of a Nets game and pegged Gronkowski in a totally private, confidential and highly personal sex tape that’s slated to leak on May 13, 2015, but she has never even met Iggy.”
In describing the young star’s other plans for 2015, Impresianado was somewhat vague and cryptic.
“Let’s just say she’s destined for things much bigger than porn,” Impresianado. “We’ve had constructive conversations with a lot of different parties in the entertainment business about her future. I can’t say too much about those talks, but I will say this much: Vannah White has been turning around those block letters for a long time; maybe it’s time for a change?”
The ex-reality star herself declined to comment on the record for YNOT, other than to reiterate she’s “not a porn star” but a victim of multiple leaks of her private sex tapes – sex tapes she just happened to have made with the help of full video crews and famous male co-stars, at least one of whom reportedly has a smaller than average penis.
The ex-reality star’s mother responded to YNOT’s inquiries by shrieking unintelligibly into the phone for several minutes, then calming down enough to threaten YNOT with a lawsuit naming the author of this article, current head of ICANN Chairman Steve Crocker, TMZ, the estate of John Holmes, Pee Wee Herman and internet inventor Al Gore as co-conspirators in a systematic campaign of libel and defamation aimed at her quasi-celebrity spawn.
The 2015 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo sets the stage for the 32nd annual AVN Awards Show, which will take place Jan. 24, 2015, at The Joint inside Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Las Vegas. The annual AVN Awards Show is the premier gala of adult video and recognizes titles, individuals and companies for contributions to and excellence in the industry.
For more information about the show, visit AvnShow.com.
