NEW YORK, NY — Scientologists have a complex relationship with the power of words and language. They also have a rich litigious tradition. Recent actions on the part of an Illinois virgin keen to begin a career in porn have brought together these two elements – earning her headlines and the wrath of a recent convert.Mainstream television performer Katie Holmes was once known primarily for her portrayal of guileless young women. Today, her greatest fame stems the fact middle-aged and enthusiastic actor-Scientologist Tom Cruise proposed to her two months after they met, impregnated her two months later, and married her seven months after that.
With moral credentials like that behind her, it’s hardly a wonder that the fresh-faced brunette mother has reacted negatively to the news that an 18-year-old blonde, blue-eyed Fashion Institute of Design student who has never known the weight of a naked man plans to clear herself of her virginity on camera while using the name of “Katee Holmes.”
“It’s really a cheap shot,” an unnamed Mrs. Cruise representative is said to have opined. “It’s really kind of sleazy,” an equally unnamed friend is reported to have insisted.
The virgin’s manager, Shy Love, contents that it’s not a sleazy or cheap shot at all. In fact, it’s “a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she’s done, beginning with Dawson’s Creek.”
Unimpressed by this particular form of tribute and possibly concerned that the two women might be confused for one another, Holmes with an “ie” – whose professionally filmed body has stayed modestly covered ever since marrying Cruise — is exploring her legal options with attorneys.
Holmes with an “ee” remains unflapped, explaining that “I know it’s pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured it was the best place for me to lose it. How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?”
Standing 5’5” and weighing in at 122 lbs, the virgin Holmes still possesses the A-cup breasts nature gave her. Hoping to work with Savannah Sampson some day, the chronic masturbator contacted Love via MySpace, confessing her desire to break into porn by allowing one of Sampson’s handsome blond co-stars to “pop my cherry.”
A press release on the subject indicates that the naked Holmes will initially work exclusively with other women, who has had zero experience with anyone other than herself to date. Once she figures out who the handsome blond co-star was, it will be cherry popping time by any name – “ee” or otherwise.
