NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, ENGLAND — Men, prepare your psyches: Contrary to the comforting old adage, size is important when it comes to satisfying women.Researchers at Newcastle University have determined — through rigorous research, we’re sure — that the larger a man’s bank account, the more likely a woman is to derive sexual pleasure from his attention. More significantly, the bigger the bank balance, the more frequent the female orgasm (and possibly the male orgasm, since the two seem to be linked, at least tangentially).

According to Newcastle University psychologist Thomas Pollet PhD, “evolutionary adaption” has driven women to seek men who are best able to provide for them financially.

The scientists’ research also indicated facial symmetry, overall physical attractiveness and body dimensions play into the sexual-satisfaction formula, but wealth seems to be more significant than any other criterion.

Admittedly, the study’s results are controversial and unsettling, especially in times of economic uncertainty.