LOS ANGELES, CA — Celebrity pregnancies are all the rage this year – and former porn princess, now B-horror zombie stripper, Jenna Jameson has wanted desperately to be in a family way for years. Recent news of a possibly successful Jameson-Tito Ortiz cross-fertilization has inspired the mainstream media to erupt in a storm of coverage ranging from blasé to obscenely offensive. In between slavishly fawning praise for the Brangelina twins, Gwen Stefani’s latest eternal gestation period, Lisa Marie Presley’s impending twindom, Ashley Simpson’s “baby bump,” and other news of fecundity among the noble celebrity class – even among its under age members – has been mixed with the kind of profane comments usually reserved for the roughest of bathroom walls.
Using language rarely even heard within the hardest of hardcore pornography, self-righteous media pundits have put the potentially troubled performer’s wholesome hopes under a critical lens that makes High-Def imagery look fuzzy by comparison.
While outlets including Hollyscoop.com have tendered their congratulations to Jameson and Ortiz, observing that the back-to-blonde beauty tragically miscarried during her marriage to Jay Grdina while undergoing cancer treatment, most have reported the news with the same enthusiasm of a paint chip drying competition. Others, unable to resist the opportunity to pretend to some kind of real or imagined superiority, have spared no unkind word in their coverage of the blessed event.
French site infosjeunes.com wins the newly invented award for tackiest pregnancy announcement, scraping the absolute bottom of the jack-shack floor by opining that “If Jenna doesn’t have a c-section, then expect the baby to get stuck between the layers of dried semen caked to the walls of her vagina. It’ll be the first time the Jaws of Life are ever used during a birth.”
Earning a Dishonorable Mention in the Tackiest Pregnancy Announcement is Film.com blogger, Evil Beet, who not only claims that Jameson has been in the industry for 20 of her 34 years on earth, but foretells a life of misery for the couple’s budding offspring. “The kid is going to be miserable. Like, pretty much anything anyone says about his mama will be true. Any joke that begins with ‘Yo momma’s such a slut…’ will have to end with a nod of begrudging agreement from this child, instead of a left hook.”
Less pig-ignorant tellings of the pregnancy, including story breaker the New York Post, assure fans that Jameson is “completely thrilled” by her long-awaited condition, although official statements have not been issued from the Jameson or Ortiz camps.
An insider source tells the Post that Jameson “had a bunch of meetings and things planned for Fashion Week, including meetings for her own line, but she’s postponed everything” and plans to focus almost exclusively on maintaining her pregnancy.
Although anything is possible, Jameson assured the public this year that marriage is not in her baby-making plans; not even with her studly 33-year-old Huntington Beach Bad Boy and former Ultimate Fighting Light-Heavyweight Champion. “I think I’m going to stay unmarried, and just go for the babies” she observed, not quite two years after her divorce and only months before rumors of her pregnancy began spreading.
