GIZA, Egypt – The Egyptian Ministry of Determining Cultural Offensiveness has completed its review of a partially-nude photograph recently taken near the Pyramid of Khufu, terming the image “disappointingly tame” and “disturbingly weak,” among other findings.
“Honestly, I’m not sure why anybody thought this photo was reason to call me at home on a weekend,” said Khaled Youssef, director of the MDCO. “Seriously, you can hardly see anything in this photo — just the middle part of her thong and a portion of her butt cheeks.”
While the MDCO review determined the photo was a “feeble attempt at a shock-value Instagram post with a disappointingly tame butt shot,” the panel still recommended several punishments and changes in protocol in its findings.
“If we are to tolerate the filming of disgusting, filthy, sinful and degrading materials on the hallowed soil of Giza, at least show us something,” the panel stated in its report. “I mean, we’re in Egypt here, where online content is heavily filtered. If you’re going to flout our strictly enforced laws and deeply cherished cultural standards, throw us a bone and flash some titty, at least.”
In the “recommendations” section of the report, the panel calls for several improvements to security and enforcement protocols at the site of the pyramids and around other national monuments and landmarks.
“The panel recommends the use of low-flying drones equipped with gluteal-image recognition technology to effect immediate discovery and punishment of bare-assed offenders,” states the report. “Body cams and microphones also should be installed on each rental camel, providing an early warning system to unmask foreign perverts before they can soil our national pride by capturing some dull, unimaginative moment of partial rear-nudity while standing in the shadow of our most recognizable tourist attraction.”
As for the recommended punishment, the MDCO ruled “permanent banishment and exile will suffice,” without the need for jailing, lashing or partially dismembering those who created and disseminated the offending butt pic.
“In light of the image’s blandness (even by Egyptian standards), we see no need to hunt down and physically punish the perpetrators,” the report states. “Instead, we will simply never allow them to return to Egypt, lest we run the risk of them again disgracing our antiquities by using them as a backdrop for their completely forgettable quasi-erotica.”
While some observers were surprised by the panel’s muted response to the offense, others say the findings are merely proportional to the offense.
“Obviously, the picture this woman took is wrong and an unforgivable insult to the dignity of the Egyptian people,” said Hawi Zahass, a political science professor at Egypt’s famed Al-Saywhut University. “But when you compare it to what the one Russian porn chick did a while back, it’s like comparing the Victoria’s Secret catalog to Hustler. Uh — not that I have ever looked at Hustler, of course. My friend Saleh just told me about it after evening prayer one day, but from what he said, Hustler is an evil, accursed sex book made by some fat American infidel named Larry bin Flintstone.”
Youssef, the director of MDCO, said while he’s satisfied his organization’s response to the butt picture crisis was appropriate, he fears Egypt hasn’t seen the end of “porno-tourism.”
“Let’s face it, this was probably inevitable once the condoms mandate passed in California,” Youssef said. “Hopefully, if we’re lucky, the blowbang shot in the Parthenon the other day will go viral and the porno people will forget about Egypt for a while. But at this point, honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if Vivid starts offering jobs to anybody who gets caught sucking a dick within a mile of the Giza Necropolis.”
Image: Carmen De Luz’s butt attempts to upstage Khufu’s pyramid at Giza (via Instagram).
