MILWAUKEE, Wis. – His name is Sam Guzman, and in addition to being a father, a blogger, an occasional poet and the communications director for Pro-Life Wisconsin, he loves leather, collects fountain pens and says his purpose in life is “to be a saint.”

Just because he aspires to sainthood, however, one shouldn’t mistake the founder and editor of Catholic Gentleman for some kind of pussy: He’s the ass-kicking, name-taking type of saint — particularly if your ass and/or name is porn.

“If pornography is present in your life, you need to put a gun to its head and pull the trigger,” Guzman recently wrote on his blog. “Get ruthless with it and take action.”

Guzman then purports to offer “ten compelling reasons to kill porn in your life” — except he apparently ran out of steam before getting to number 10, because Guzman’s list has only nine entries. On the bright side, nine entries does fit the post’s headline, “9 Reasons to Kick Porn to the Curb.”

I don’t know what it is about anti-porn activists and mixed metaphors, but where I come from,”kicking something to the curb” is a bit less serious a decision than shooting the same thing in the head, execution-style.

Beyond Guzman’s inability to count, there’s a sin of omission in his advice about how to kill porn: Standard ammunition just isn’t going to get the job done when your target is a sniper/spider/vampire/disease.

It’s all well and good to tell people to “pluck it out” and “cut it off,” but after already acknowledging porn’s immense and mysterious power by noting how it “kills love” and “makes you a slave,” shouldn’t Guzman advise people to approach their salacious adversary with due caution — or at the very least, while clutching a couple cloves of garlic and a wooden stake?

It’s not as though Guzman isn’t aware of the Porn Enemy’s black magic-like potency, either, having launched his post with the clarion warning “Forget Ebola, porn is the real plague consuming our society.”

“Porn destroys intimacy…. Watching pornography sticks a knife deep into the heart of your spouse,” Guzman wrote, not only speaking The Truth about porn, but possibly revealing exactly how OJ killed Nicole, as well.

Guzman is concerned about more than just porn’s murderous effect on women. He’s also worried porn will lead men to improperly view the women in their lives.

“In porn, women are just objects, playthings,” Guzman observed. “They are just instruments of gratification. News flash: Women are real human beings with emotional, physical and spiritual needs. They have a soul that will live forever. They deserve your respect and protection, not lust.”

I’m glad Guzman pointed out these things about the spiritual nature of women and the proper way for us menfolk to view the fairer sex, because as good Catholics know, women are instruments not of gratification, but of procreation.

As for men’s and women’s differing spiritual roles and needs, Catholic Answers points out, “…there is an absolute difference in the roles the two sexes can play is in the giving of life.

“By natural law, only women can give physical life by serving as mothers,” this particular answer continues. “By supernatural law, only men can give spiritual life to the faithful by serving as priests.”

Are you starting to get the picture, fellas? Don’t let porn trick you into thinking women are spiritually lesser beings than you because your sinful, lustful worldview says it is so. Think of them as spiritually lesser beings because God said it is so under the tenets of His “supernatural law.”

Still more important, naturally (or perhaps supernaturally), is porn’s effect on “God’s grace in your soul” — namely, to extinguish said grace.

“A mortal sin is a sin which destroys God’s love in your soul,” Guzman wrote. “It is a sin that is so grave, so heinous that it separates us from God, leaving your soul cold and lifeless and hellbound. You can make all the excuses you want, but looking at pornography is a mortal sin and it charts you on a course to hell. St. Paul makes it clear: Those who tolerate sexual sin in their lives ‘shall not inherit the kingdom of God’ (Gal. 5:19-21).”

The bottom line, according to the Book of Guzman: “You can either have heaven or porn, but not both. Take your pick.”

Hmmm…. So, I have to choose between porn and heaven, eh?

Now I have one of those questions that requires a Catholic Answer: Do I have to decide right now, or can it wait until I’m on my deathbed? I’m pretty sure they don’t allow porn in the hospice, and I’ll probably be impotent by then anyway, so the choice will sure be a lot easier at that point.

I guess since my mortal soul is hanging in the balance, I’d better not take any chances. On a related note, anybody know a good place to buy a reliable pistol on the cheap?

Oh, and somewhere to pick up silver bullets too — just in case.