MONTREAL – A porn video streaming site has issued an apology to offended porn surfers for the accidental display of violent team sports footage during a nearly five-hour period of technical difficulties the site experienced Sunday evening.
“To all our visitors, uploaders and fans, we apologize profusely,” FreeHotVideoz4Euwe.ru Chief Executive Officer Boris Makarov said in a statement released Monday. “Our intent always is to provide you with hottest and best porno in the world for free, not of senseless violence which result in broken limbs and concussions.”
Makarov blamed the problem on “severe network strain, maybe caused by some manner of live event generating immense, global interest.”
“Based on data gathered by our IT department, we believe network congestion originate with incident that begin in American southwest shortly before midnight GMT,” Makarov explained.
While the problem has since been corrected, social media posts from FreeHotVideoz4Euwe.ru users made during the site’s technical difficulties reported a variety of audio and video problems.
“Tot confused,” posted Twitter user @Poonhound37. “Wanted amateur handjobs, got men in tights knocking each other over instead.”
Other users said video playback was unaffected, but instead of audio filled with the usual dirty talk and orgasmic moaning, they were met with strange banter about strategy and “clock management.”
“She be gettin fuckd in the azz,” complained @P1mpdrizzle, “why da bicth trippin bout some dude name martian not getting a ball? Dis shit make NO fuckin sense yo.”
Natasha Madupova, chief moderator of the FreeHotVideoz4Euwe.ru forums, said she observed the audio problem herself when looking into user complaints.
“It was very strange, like phone call when you hear someone else conversating same time as you,” Madupova said. “Closest I hear to any kind of pillowed-talk was about man being ‘gronked’ in his tight end, whatever this means.”
Self-declared internet expert Samuel Randon-Guy told YNOT he believes the problem experienced by FreeHotVideoz4Euwe.ru is related to a similar incident reported Sunday by fans of the NHL’s Nashville Predators.
“As we all know, the internet is a series of tubes,” Randon-Guy said. “Some of these tubes are porn-tubes, some are You-tubes others are sports-tubes, and so on. What happens when there’s a lot of traffic in all of the tubes, the tubes swell up and rub up against each other. The resulting friction causes some of the zeros and ones which comprise digital data to ‘jump the tracks,’ if you will, sending audio from one source to accompany the video of another source.”
Randon-Guy compared the accidental crossing of porn and sports tubes to the original incidents which gave rise to peanut butter cups.
“The primary difference here is nobody is particularly happy about someone else’s ‘sports chocolate’ getting in their ‘porn peanut butter,’ so to speak,” Randon-Guy said.
Makarov said his company is taking steps to prevent similar incidents in the future, including obtaining a new, dedicated tube just for FreeHotVideoz4Euwe.ru.
“I no longer trust this so-call ‘cloud,’” Makarov said. “We want only clouds of sexual pleasure. This one seems fill with raindrops of gratuitous violence and sobering consumer discontent.”
Randon-Guy said Makarov should not feel bad, as the porn and sports sectors are not the only ones occasionally falling victim to the crossing over of swollen tubes.
“We see similar complaints all the time when conservative news tubes get mixed up with late-night infomercial tubes,” Randon-Guy noted. “Apparently, the FCC gets flooded with calls from elderly conservatives who think Bill O’Reilly should be fined for inexplicably screaming at them about Orange Clean or the Pocket Hose Ultra.”
