LOS ANGELES – In yet another bid to attract attention for his brand, a porn executive has pulled a publicity stunt in shockingly poor taste, someone in the studio’s public relations department was forced to announce.

Capitalizing on the swirl of viral-marketing-friendly attention surrounding a lawsuit filled with salacious claims of sexual abuse, celebrity attorneys, felonious billionaires and former U.S. Presidents, the company has thrown its large, conical cap into the circus ring via the usual adult industry publicity ploy: a disingenuous offer to star in a porn video.

Digging deep into his one-trick bag, the studio honcho offered one of the lawsuit’s alleged victims an absurd amount of money…and the unique opportunity to relive her alleged sexual abuse in the form of globally distributed smut.

“Come make porn with us,” the executive’s letter begins. “If there’s a better way to memorialize your alleged repeated sexual abuse at the hands of a bunch of creepy old men while allegedly being held against your will by a billionaire who has since been convicted of having sex with an underage prostitute, I don’t know what it is.”

The kicker from the perspective of the publicity-hungry porn studio, of course, is that the targets of the sexual abuse allegations include a member of the British royal family. Showing an uncommon flair for sensitivity and decorum, the porn executive suggested the royal’s “former flame” personally choose the princely lookalike with whom she would perform in the proposed porno.

“The porn industry is filled to the brim with performers who look just like the Prince, after all,” the studio chief noted in his offer letter. “And if nobody is quite right, we can just use CGI in post-production to fuck up Evan Stone’s teeth so he looks more British.”

In the press release announcing the offer, the studio head tendered the obligatory hat-tip to the notion there’s something newsworthy about the ridiculous overture to the Prince’s purported victim.

“She has a story to tell,” he noted. “Granted, the story is either an utter fabrication of the most defamatory and libelous sort, or a horrifying account of a monstrous, appalling sex crime – either of which is, obviously, exactly the sort of thing the adult entertainment industry should seek to exploit, particularly if the decision is motivated by the shameless pursuit of profit.”

To emphasize his offer is real and not a mere shock-value tactic designed to get media outlets and blogs to mention his brand and/or back-link to his company’s website, the executive cited in his offer letter several examples of other famous people who have, one way or another, found their in flagrante delicto likenesses being distributed across myriad content distribution platforms.

“As I write this, sex videos featuring numerous other people who became famous due embarrassing, salacious and/or traumatizing circumstances are already making money,” the executive wrote. “I can’t guarantee your career will take off the way theirs did after making porn with us, but I can promise that within 24 hours of your DVD’s release, it will also be on every tube site in existence, where over time it will be seen by hundreds of millions of people who haven’t paid a cent to watch it.”

So, the world now waits with bated breath for the woman’s total lack of response. In the meantime, the porn executive presumably has returned to trawling the daily headlines in search of the next non-recruit for the world of porn.

Who knows? if we’re lucky, maybe a Hollywood A-lister will drown a baby in a bathtub.

[We shouldn’t have to note this, but just in case anyone missed the memo: The above is satire. -Ed.]