AMES, Iowa – Every four years, Americans are subjected to a ridiculous amount of buildup and hype around the Presidential election, even though relatively few of us participate. Still, during the run-up, we take sides, stake out our rhetorical territory and take turns bludgeoning each other with flags while emphasizing the importance of presenting a unified front to the world once the whole absurd rhetorical bloodbath ends.
Each time an election nears, one of the amusing sideshows is people in the adult industry taking to the message boards to speculate about which candidate would be the “best” in terms of the future health of the industry, as though there’s any such thing as a “pro-porn” candidate.
It’s a familiar, tired and fundamentally useless conversation, which basically boils down to this:
D: “Your guy sucks, because Republicans suck.”
R: “Oh yeah? Well, your guy sucks because Democrats suck.”
D: “Oh yeah? Well, guess what? Yo mama.”
R: “You’re a retard.”
D: “And you’re an asshat.”
R: “Fuck you.”
D: “Dude, I’m so kicking your ass at the next show.”
R: “Are you kidding? Get real. Everybody knows you can’t afford to go to shows.”
OK, so the above is obviously a bit more sophisticated, nuanced and better spelled than the average adult industry political debate, but you get my drift: It’s all about representing your team and taking advantage of an opportunity to insult another person with whom you disagree concerning issues of which you both are, typically, just about 100-percent ignorant.
From where I sit, the interesting question isn’t what each candidate might adopt as a policy toward porn (most likely, they will ignore porn, just like Clinton, George W. Bush and Obama before them), it’s what kind of porn each of them watches.
As an eminently qualified Speculative Internet Psychologist, I feel quite confident I can deduce the porn proclivities of each candidate, based on a careful reading of their past statements, certain wardrobe choices and unfettered, surreptitious access to their personal browser caches courtesy of a close friend of mine from the Ukraine named crakzu69.
So, if you’ve ever wondered what kind of smut gets Scott Walker hot, or what Hillary Clinton watched during all those red-eye flights from D.C. to exotic locations like Kinshasha, Burma and Long Island, feast your eyes on the information below. In addition to each candidate’s favorite genre, I’ve also addressed their favorite sources and means of consumption, as this offers yet another valuable window into his or her soul’s crotch.
Not all of the people listed below have declared their candidacy, but trust me: They will run.
- Hillary Clinton, Dem: Femdom BDSM featuring chubby, red-faced men being dominated by cruel mistresses. Prefers mobile platform; frequents tube sites despite publicly opposing them.
- Ted Cruz, Rep: Interracial gay porn. prefers old-school viewing booths at brick-and-mortar porn shops, especially Big City Video Emporium on I-45, after 9 p.m. on Thursdays.
- Joe Biden, Dem: Legal-teen porn. Favors pirated DVD copies, because they appeal to his internal plagiarist.
- Bernie Sanders, Ind/Dem: Favors lesbian group sex, calling it “truly egalitarian and communal.” Owns impressive collection of titles on VHS, but still hasn’t figured out how to work his VCR, so he mostly just strokes it to the image collage on the back of the box cover.
- Jeb Bush, Rep: Watersports. Downloads from darknet locations via TOR, with the help of trusted personal advisor Michael Hayden.
- Jeff Boss, 9/11 Truther/Dem: He doesn’t watch porn. Where did you hear that? From some media outlet complicit in the most obvious military false-flag and federal intelligence agency inside job in history, no doubt. Why won’t you talk about the real issue, here — the massive 9/11 cover-up and subsequent global conspiracy to prevent Jeff Boss from winning public office so the American people can finally get some real 9/11 Truth?
- Marco Rubio, Rep: Prefers Latina porn, but not Cuban porn because it is the product of an oppressive, overly-bearded porn studio infrastructure, and as you know Cuba has long supported both terrorism and Democrats, as well as consistently thumbing its collective nose at both the letter and the spirit of the laws of little league baseball.
- Jim Webb, Dem: Incest porn. Private collection digitized from 8mm film.
- Rand Paul, Rep: A fan of both blowbang videos and cryptocurrency, Paul is among the most high-profile daily visitors to DigiShekelPornSites.ngono.
- Lincoln Chaffee, Dem: What the fuck is a “Lincoln Chaffee?” It sounds like a cross between a four-door sedan and the kind of tea hippies won’t shut up about.
- Mike Huckabee, Rep: This righteous, Godly man doesn’t watch porn. Those files on his hard drive must be leftovers from the last time he loaned his laptop to Ted Nugent.
- Chris Christie, Rep: Gangbangs and group sex. Has Pornhub bookmarked, because he prefers websites that receive a lot of traffic.
- Rick Perry, Rep: Whatever kind of porn he watches, at least we know it’s strong.
- Bobby Jindal, Rep: Anything with Sunny Leone in it. Downloads torrents using his neighbor’s unsecured Wi-Fi connection.
- Carly Fiorina, Rep: The former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s favorite is interactive voyeur porn shot in public bathrooms. Just as in her professional career, so too in her sex life Fiorina has always enjoyed flushing things down the toilet.
- Elizabeth Warren, Dem: At one point, Warren indicated she enjoyed the porn made by Native Americans, saying she preferred the traditional porn of “her people,” but in subsequent videos she has said she only thought she like such porn, but now she’s not so sure. Either way, when it comes to porn consumption, this forward-looking lady is all about the tablet.
- Rick Santorum, Rep: Gay creampie videos. A very social individual, Santorum typically watches porn at the house of his close personal friend, Dan Savage.
- Donald Trump, Rep: This guy is all about class, so he only watches big-budget porn features like Pirates, Operation Desert Stormy and Wild Bill’s Big Boob Ranch. The technology Trump uses to watch porn is so advanced, it doesn’t even have a name yet, but we know it also is used to power his hair.
